Prosaic Poppy 2005-2006: June 2005

Thursday, June 30, 2005

ELATION!

I passed my Corporate Finace class!!!

It wasn't the best grade...but it also wasn't as bad as I had anticipated. Let's just say...it wasn't a D...

I know everyone was waiting with baited breath to find out, so I thought I would post before leaving for work, so now I am leaving for work...

Ciao!

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Summers Away

I've never begrudged my ex husband spending time with the kids. Something that I have firmly believed in was that they should have a relationship with their father and his family. It opens the door for Zac and Abi to realize more of their heritage. Aunts, uncles, and cousins for them to meet and have fun with.

Last Saturday we woke up at 4:00 AM in order to get to the airport in enough time to go through the necessary procedures for a 7:45 flight from Michigan to New Jersey. My kids were going away for the summer.

At first it was just a couple of weeks in the summer with their father and his family, and again another couple of weeks at Christmas. However, Mike happened. Or at least Mike didn't happen. And really, praise the Lord for it.

June 7, 2002 I broke up with him.

By June 15, I realized that the decision to get him out of my life would entail a lot of work on my part. I was still coming off of a maternity leave. My employer decided to conveniently "eliminate" my position. I was jobless, homeless, and having three babies to care for.

So...I did the best I could. Which included swallowing my pride and asking John to take the kids for an extended summer vacation...until I could get back on my feet. I was bound and determined to do it by the end of the summer.

So it was just me and Kimi. We lived with my grandmother. During the day I relentlessly looked for a job. By the end of August I was at the point of just taking anything I could get my hands on.

John, unsure of my situation offered to take the kids for the rest of the year so that they could start school uninterrupted. I was afraid that the idea of them staying in New Jersey would come up. I was hoping that it wouldn't. It scared me. Here...only months before I lost Mike to his addictions. I lost my job because I was an unmarried mother. I lost my house because I broke up with Mike...and now I may lose my two oldest children.

Actually it didn't just scare me it shook my being.

As a result of my frantic state I had two car accidents--and one unsavory incident at the local Kmart.

It was along this time that Jesus came and saved me.

He came to me in the form of a long time friend...who seeing how lost I really was decided that I needed to hear the truth instead of turning to false paths that would lead me further astray and further into my own self destruction.

After hearing the truth...I asked God to come in and taking over. It was apparent that I was unable to do it on my own...

And soon the landslide that had been my life turned into something more stable...and scary but in a comforting, exhilerating, and much different way.

I found love in this friend at the top of a roller coaster.

And soon enough I also found a job, then a place to live, and then an even better job...and more importantly my children could come back home...and I could breathe.

They started school. They made friends.

But now, since that summer I needed them to go away..., it has become a regular summer event. Their father comes for them...and they are gone for 6-7 weeks.

I tell myself that it is summer vacation for them. I tell myself that they need to see that side of the family. And I tell myself that it really isn't that long.

And all of these things are true. However, it doesn't stop the longing I feel, or the emptiness I have when they are not here.
I am reminded of that first summer when they went away, and how completely messed up and small I felt. I would have been no good to them that summer. And they needed to be some place safe.

So their going isn't just a going away. It is a reminder of what was, and how much more life is now.

But even more than that...

It is also a reminder of humility and gratitude. Because that summer I needed help. God gave this to me in the form of family, friends and it gave me a chance to realize that my joy is someone else's pain. And for every time I say hello, someone else has to say good-bye. For all the time that I do not have to miss them...I know that they are missed by someone else.

And that is a strength I do not think I could have.

Not all year long.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

4:32

You are Ephesians.

Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I thought this was really cool because my favorite verse is in Ephesians. I've known it since I was seven.

And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted forgiving one another even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you...Ephesians 4:32

With a Sigh

Mere moments ago I submitted my last assignment for Corporate Finance. Due to a strange fluke of scheduling, our instructor had assignments still due AFTER the final exam was to be turned in.

To date, Corporate Finance has been my hardest class.

The final exam took me 15 hours to complete.

For the past two nights I have cried myself to sleep.

Caleb consoled me as best as he could...which included letting me know that I wasn't a stupid moron because I couldn't figure out how to calculate the weighted average cost of capital.

I, like my government, am not able to balance a checkbook. Formulas are an enigma to me, my brain just cannot comprehend unless I am literally guided step-by-step.

I do not think I will pass this class. And that really bothers me because 1. Classes are expensive, 2. It will push my graduation date farther away...to some undeterminable date. 3. Just because it ticks me off that I don't understand.

This is a weakness. I finally figured it out...I got the message.

It is something that I cannot conquer right away, or with any type of ease. This is where my Jack-of-all-trades ability comes to a screeching halt.

As a result of my college courses I have learned some other facts about myself. For instance...I cannot write well during the day. Not unless it is extremely quiet, and that is such a rare occurence...so night time is the right time for writing.

I have also learned that I cannot even begin to attempt to do anything with numbers at night. I have to have sunshine feeding my brain in order for me to look at numbers with any type of recognition. I'm like a solar calculator. Though, I only have numbers. If you want me to figure out what to do with them...you bought the wrong calculator.

Hindsight being 20/20 I should not have taken my morning job prior to finishing this class. Morning=quiet=numbers. That is MY formula.

As I said, I don't think I will pass this class, I'll find out in 2 days.

However, at least I can say that I turned in all the work...and for now--it's over.

...I sooo want to down this box of raisinets.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Fresh Eyes

Well, I am one day late on my exam. I have 4 more problems to try and overcome. Of what I have completed, I have only finished a handfull of them correctly. [and that is being generous]

It's multiple choice, so I can tell right away that the formulas I am using are incomplete.incorrect.inane.

I am banking on the fact that if I show my work, regardless if it is right, I will get some credit.

It is just so infuriating. Ask me to write a paper and I can do that in record time.. find the answer to: WACC = wdkd(1-T) + wpkp +wcks, and I'm like DUHHH. Tell me again why I need this stinkin' degree?

But for now I am stopping. I need to look at these numbers with fresh eyes. Right now...my eyes are crossing.

I could use a Coke.

Making Myself

I'm at a point right now that if I do not do my final exam I won't care that much. I almost admitted defeat last night...but today I am going to give it another go. Of course, I would much rather be shopping right now. In fact there are things I need to go to the store for...however, I know that if I leave now I will be gone for 2 hours...and I would be much better satisfied if I did my shopping after I did at least 2 or 3 of these problems. They take me about 40 minutes a piece. Not because I'm stupid...but just because my brain doesn't work that way.

Anyway...pep talk over, whining over...I have to dig in. I just wish I didn't.

...of course, washing this self pity down with a nice cold Coke would be good right about now.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

In Support of Becky

I have decided to support a blogger friend who is doing a 5 day detox. While I am not going to go as far as only eating fruits and vegetables...I WILL swear off my 3 biggest vices for 5 days.

Therefore, for the next 5 days I am going to try and not have coffee, Coke, or chocolate.

For some of you who know me well, you know this is equivalent to cutting off my right arm and scooping out my left eye. However, I think that I can hold out until Friday. I hope.

Why am I doing this? Because I admired the fact that she would go to such lengths in order to stop bad habits and start better ones. Sometimes it takes an extreme to get back to an even keel.

Reading her blog about her idea to detox gave me incentive to kick my habit. Go cold turkey on the things I do that I know are bad for me...that and I ate the last of the Cocoa Puffs this morning anyway.

Besides, ice cream comes in other flavors besides chocolate and coffee...

Cedar Point 2005

Here are some things I learned from our Cedar Point trip last weekend...

1. 48 inches does not necessitate that the child will WANT to ride the roller coasters...but given enough time and patient coaching [not teasing]...they may come around.

This is Abi's first roller coaster ride. I tried to convince her that it wasn't that bad...and truly I didn't think it would be. The expression on her face after the ride was a lot different than what you see here...

2. Flashbacks of how I was goaded into riding the roller coasters at age 8 brings out a fiercely protective momma bear in me.

3. Cedar Point takes on an entirely different aspect when your kids are there with you. [Especially when the roller coast stops mid track...and you are dangling like a participle--courtesy of the Iron Dragon]

4. Food on a stick is just as important an experience as the rides. [Much laughter was had over the chocolate covered bananas--males should not eat these under any circumstances]

But Caleb forged on...what a trooper.

5. 30 second bumper cars should be outlawed...it isn't nearly enough time to ram into the ones you love.

6. You CAN have fun on the merry go round...

7. The Power Tower is just tall enough to make your apendages go numb from fear...

8. ...and is best shared with your 12 year old who will tell you it is going to be okay. [Especially since your husband is too chicken--balk balk]

9. The ecstatic laughing-scream of an 8 year old who has just been converted to the thrill seeker status is about the coolest sound in the world...

10. ...and just about as amazing as hearing her say that she wants to ride the Corkscrew...because Jr. Gemini is "lame" [her words not mine]

11. It is a proud moment knowing that the next generation is securely corrupted into the "Roller Coaster" gang.

12. Nothing, apart from God, is above having a blast with your kids...nothing. [Especially the part when they say "thank you" and "I love you"...several times in pure sincerity]

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Happiness with a Price

Happiness is discovering your favorite ice cream. Up until this point I could never really pin point my favorite ice cream, they are all so wonderful.

However I knew that it would have to have the elements of peanut butter, chocolate as well as the texture of bumpy cake ice cream. [the only thing not making that my favorite is the excessively large chunks of chewy cake].

However, I decided to try Moose Tracks a few weeks ago. And now, having since bought my third container of it in 3 weeks I have decided it is my favorite. There are peanut butter cups [tiny whole ones], Mackinac fudge and vanilla ice cream swirled together to make one perfect concoction of sweet goodness.

Unfortunately, if I continue to consume it with such zeal I am afraid that the name of the ice cream and the type of tracks I will make will be one and the same.

Friday, June 24, 2005

Highlights

Nothing feels as good as conquering a to-do list.

My 16-item "to-do" list for today is down to 6. I've been a busy girl.

I am always amazed about how much more I get done if I start the day out by writing down what I need to do. There must be something to this.

The irony is that I go through phases where all I do is write lists for everything I need to do, buy, etc. And then I become derailed. Stop writing lists. And mass chaos ensues. I need my neat little boxes, to put check marks in. I need straight lines and guidance. Symmetry pleases me.

So...getting a handle on things, today I endeavored to write a list. A list in black ink. I've highlighted the things that I have accomplished...

neon yellow line
razoring through the to do
mark my day away

Now there are more highlights on my paper than black marks. The world is on its axis once more.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Budding Debutante?

Abi strikes a pose of sheer unamusement at her Afternoon Tea and Make-Up Party.

We invited a few of her [very Tom Boy] friends over to enjoy a spot, but soon found out that these 9 year olds are just not ready for such culture...aside from the numerous belches here are some things that were said:

"This tea is disgusting" [good, then it is just right]

"I like big butts and I cannot lie..." [please don't sing that here...please]

"How do you put this stuff on?" [with the sponge...with the sponge]

"You look like a clown" [No she looks like a cotton candy machine exploded in her face]

"You look like an Indian" [Don't say that about Indians]

"Can I have more strawberries?" [Um..no, those should have been enough]

"Can I have more sugar" [Oh absolutely not]

"You are holding your tea cup like how my dad drinks his coffee" [snicker]

After about an hour I was ready for them to go home...so was Abi.

Jiggly Puff Strikes!

Zac learns the hard way that he should not take naps in his sisters fort.

-Look close, that IS blue marker on his face.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Mini Party just me and a Hershey Bar

I'm about to throw myself a mini party because I have turned in my FINAL "mini report" for my corporate finance class. AMEN. [keeping in mind that I pass this class and I don't have to take it again...]

Time for chocolate.

Disquietude

I swear I am not procrastinating.

I really want to have a successful business in Mary Kay. I DO.

So why is it that when I start off it seems that everything is getting in the way? For instance, I start a part time job. My classes become even more hectic. I riddle myself with guilt over the fact that the summer with my children is approaching a fast close...they leave on Saturday.

So against my desires, I push back my Mary Kay business one more week. Not that I am doing nothing with it....just not as much as I would really like.

What's the excuse this time? My final exam is due on Sunday and I don't want to schedule ANYTHING except spending time with my kids up until that point. Everything else will have to wait. Including Mary Kay. That IS the reason why I am starting the business, no? So I can have this type of flexibility? Oui?

Yes yes yes...but. No buts.

I have this habit of starting one project to almost completion and then starting another before I am done with the first. Which is what I have done by starting Mary Kay before finishing school. And starting a job right after starting Mary Kay. See what I mean?

Therefore, seeing the error of my ways [because hindsight is 20/20] I should not have started this part time job. But I did. And now I feel a compelling obligation to stay because my boss needs help.

She is diagnosed with cancer, and her job is very stressful. And while training me to help her has probably not been a picnic in the park [because sometimes I am quite literally the slowest person on earth], the end result is that she will be able to take much needed time off without the coming back to the office in a complete shambles and loads of work waiting for her.
Unless of course I cannot figure out how to run the reports without irreversibly deleting them. [my biggest work fear at the moment]

Okay, that aside...my school work will end. There IS a light at the end of that tunnel. Thank Goodness. Because I have no compunction in telling the world that I hate corporate finance. [I hope my professor doesn't read my blog]

As for Mary Kay...I have to reconcile that with my director. She has to be told that for the next week I am going to lay low. She won't like it, because well...the MK attitude is "Go Get 'em...NOW"....and there is nothing wrong with this...but Kassi is needing to catch a glimpse of sanity so that her house of cards doesn't come crashing down around her feet.

I think that I will need to start investing in better building blocks. Can someone please send me some Lincoln Logs?

This wasn't in my job description...

Call me amazed at the the irony of being called "gross" because I posted about how working at an office has conditioned me to have a regular bathroom breaks...by someone whose digestive system has become so efficient that his farting is an accomplished skill and not just a bodily function.

...not to mention his moments ago declaration that he wishes he could move his toilet to the hallway like the three year old. Back off buddy...I'm only potty training one person at a time in this household thankyouverymuch.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

The Quiet

Today I came home to mass confusion.

I had volunteered my Tuesdays to helping out an acquaintance by watching her children on Tuesdays during the day in exchange for babysitting Kimi Tuesday evenings.

This means that Caleb has to watch them in the morning. By himself. While I am at work.

I called to check in on him a few times, to make sure that they hadn't overtaken the house. I should have called one more time before coming home.

I won't go into much detail to describe what I saw, only to say that the noise level was at a decibel that I have not been accustomed to in a long time. They were all shouting that they were hungry...kind of like pigeons in a park. Caleb was hiding upstairs in our bedroom, door shut. His hair [what is left of it] standing on end and his eyes bulging out of his head.

Thankfully my daycare skills were still intact and within the hour, all 5 children were fed,laying down for a nap, and the dishes were done. A half an hour after that I was dozing as well.

The baby woke up, and I used my powers of hypnotism to trance him back to sleep. Which translates to making sleepy eyes at him until he mimicks me and goes back to sleep. [Infant sleep trick #1]

The napping was good though. The entire house was quiet for an hour and a half. I think that I will start making Kimi take naps again...and I might join her.

Why I Work: Reason #2

Honesty.

It is the only time that I am regular. This may have something to do with the routine consumption of coffee that goes hand in hand with an office setting. Regardless, it never fails, put me to work in an office and at 9:00 sharp...

It may be one of the few instances of my life that I can say that I am not full of it.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Almost Time to Breathe

This is the last week of my classes. Which means, of course, catching up on my missing assignments, and dealing with final exams. But thankfully after this...I will have a two week break before starting up the next round. Just long enough to breathe.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Journaling God's Blessings

I was recently given a bit of advice from a youth pastor at my church. He spoke about journaling, and the power it can have on a person's life.

I have used journals, now and in the past, to document some of my deepest feelings. Not all of them being good. And quite honestly...most of what I have journaled has been when I was at my lowest. So, looking back on those times, reading about them can really be upsetting. But I had hoped that writing would lead me to learning more about myself. And it has, but now, my most vivid memories are about the lowest times of my life.

So, I have seen the flaw of journaling when I am at my worst. And quite honestly, it has been a while since I have picked up a pen and wrote in my journal. Of course, this blog has somewhat taken it's place.

However, there is something missing. I was given the answer to what was missing last week at church. Which will require me to form a new habit.

The habit; journaling God's blessings. Big or small, and most of them will be small...

Journal the good things that I have experienced EVERY DAY.

Wow...what a concept. Think about it. What are my blessings? And again they don't have to be "big"....

For instance today; I was able to eat. I have a family. I have a place to sleep. I have electricity. I have clothes. I have clean water. I have a car. We went out to lunch for Father's Day. We were able to buy Caleb's dad a gift. We have Bibles. We are healthy. I have a husband who loves me.

This is in just one day--and this is just skimming the surface of how blessed I have been this day.

If I form the habit of writing down God's blessings in my life every day....I will be able to look back and see the pattern of how wonderfully God works in my life overall...

Then maybe when those times occur when I am at my lowest. I can read how much I have been blessed and be assured that God has it all under control.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Weapons of Mass Financial Calculation

For the first time in 4 weeks I am not severely behind in my homework. I have a few assignments due by Sunday, but they are not late. And while I still have two small papers to write, I will emphasize the word "small"...and really emphasize the fact that my project management teacher has been extremely forgiving.

I am still not sure if I will pass my corporate finance class. My marks have been dreadfully low. At one point I almost quit the class, right at the mid term. Because I was sure I would fail it. I did end up passig the mid term, but not by much.

This has been a sombering session, especially after having such a successful semester prior to this one.

I'm almost done though. Whether I pass or not is irrelevant. Had I quit the class I would have still had to pay for it. Although the thought of receiving a less than C grade in any of my classes is upsetting.

If I ever decide to actually use my degree in corporate America I will be sure to tell my boss that I should never go near the accounting department. In fact, the office farthest from the accounting department is where I should sit for fear of a revolt launched by tiny financial calculators in protest of my existence.

The Tickets are Bought...

This weekend we will be venturing to Cedar Point The Roller Coaster Capital of the World!! This is a big thing for a few reasons...

1. It is Abi's first time there
2. It is the first "fun" thing that we have been able to do as a family
3. It is the first "fun" outing that I have been able to do with my kids since...well, in a loooong time
4. It's a surprise
5. It's the roller coaster capital of the world...I mentioned that right?
6. There is no fighting allowed at Cedar Point [house rules]

Two nights ago I measured Abi to make sure that she would be tall enough to ride the 'big' rides. She is. She is 47 inches tall, and with her shoes on that makes 48. It's the magic number for Cedar Point.

I remember when I went to Cedar Point as a kid. I have been there several times [at least 7 times], all with very good memories.

But one thing I do know is that if you want optimal fun at this amusement park you must be 48 inches tall [with shoes on].

So, planning this Cedar Point trip had to include making sure that Abi could run around and enjoy the rides with us.

And she can!

And I'm so excited for her! And for me!

So far the weather will be ideal..in the low to mid 70's. We've already bought tickets..which means that there is no backing out...the dog has been taken care of, Kimi is staying with my cousin Chad...[no I am NOT taking a 3 year old to an amusement park are you MAD?]...maniacal laughter, and running around like children...here we come! Caleb will be Willy and I'll be Nilly.

We haven't told the kids, but I know that Zac knows...he is good enough to not say anything. I think he has learned that spilling the beans could mean that the beans don't happen. Why mess with those odds?

Abi on the other hand thinks we are going to stay home all day and do chores. However, when we leave in the morning I may throw in that it is "national immunization day" and that we have to travel to the hospital early to avoid the lines...

Ahhh...being a parent definitly has it's advantages as well.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Making Wishes

Sensory Overload

While driving home Tuesday evening I experienced the worst smell combination...

Road Kill Skunk and Fresh French Fries.

Never before have my senses been in such turmoil. My mouth wanted to water because of the fries, but at the same time my nose wrinkled in detestation at the pungent smell of smooshed skunk.

My brain still does not know how to categorize this.

Today, while eating french fries I thought of Pepe Le Pew. I wonder if my stomach will growl the next time I smell skunk...

I'm scarred.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

He Actually Said This...

Him: I am urinating in the corner...I am urinating in the corner. I am whizzing on the wall...okay...I'm done.

Lately we have taken to hiding on Caleb so he has to find us when he comes home. In order to lure us from our hiding spots he makes horrible claims of urination. We haven't revealed our hiding spots yet...for we don't believe that he will actually go through with his claims. Of course, he may prove us wrong some day and then won't OUR faces be red...

I can't begin to explain...

...that there is nothing in the world like having a naked monkey sit under your desk and giggle at you while you are trying to do your homework.

Thankfully naked monkey has skipped the "flinging poo" stage, and neatly deposits said matter into a receptacle [sometimes].

...everyone needs a naked monkey.

Okay, that's a lie. No one NEEDS a naked monkey, but they are sure fun to have around. Especially when one is trying to do homework and would rather not. Naked monkeys make wonderful distractions.

As if I need a distraction...AS IF.

If

Little girl with honey wisp hair.

What would life be if you weren't here?

You tell me of strawbabbies and that all the birds are yours.

You remind me to "look at you" when you have something to say.

I would not know the wonder of ants.

I would not know of bibbit-monkeys.

Who would tell me to put on my seatbelt, or lock my door?

Who would tell me to count so that they could hide?

Who would make sure that everyone said "hello"?

Maybe somebody else. Maybe not.

There is only one you.

The only you that will ever be.

You are here.

So the birds will be just fine.

Many people are pro-abortion. And I pose this question to you...what if this child had suffered the same fate at the rest? All that I know of her would be lost. I believe that every baby has the right to know what a strawberry is. I believe that every baby has the right to feel the breeze on thier face. I believe that every baby should be given a chance to cuddle, grow, hop, run, play, laugh, sing, and cry. Life is not meant to be easy. There are no ideal situations. Choices are not always without hurt. Please don't prevent the wind from touching your childs face just because it hasn't dried the tears on yours.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

One Day

Tomorrow I have absolutely no intent to go anywhere. I will not be driving if I can help it. The only plans I have are to do some homework--and relive what it was like before I started working again.

Oh...I can almost taste what it is to sleep in...and then get up only to read, and have a cup of tea.

Don't wake me up. I am dreaming.

Highlight of My Day

Finding that my child carried a potty chair full of poo from one end of the house to the other, just to show me what she did.

Where Am I?

Feeling completely lost in the shuffle.

Day by day, time slipping away.

I only have a few moments left.

And then they will be gone as well.

Will my moments be tatters sewn haphazardly together?

Will my moments be woven like tapestry?

I cannot see past my own face.

So I look back often to find who I am.

The past is not the future, and I have only now.

What me am I going to be?

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Solitude

This past week I learned a lot, nothing of it having to do with Corporate Finance, trust me.

Of the many things I learned, one of them is that my family wants me out. Out of the living room that is.

I moved my desk and computer in the living room in order to be closer to them, and to be able to watch Kimi when I am doing my homework.

I felt that I was constantly holed up in my little office, with numerous items stacking up around me due to my husbands obsessive collecting of things.

I made a bold move...I escaped the hole and entered the living room...bright and sunny. And constantly noisy.

Noisy can't be avoided though..it is the living room. And my family as much as they love me and I love them...they are loud and I like quiet...especially when I have to study or write, or just plain think [or zone out]

I am a loner by nature. You would not tell this from my abundantly active social life. I love my friends, I love how often we gather and hang out. But there is still a small part of me that enjoys solitude. Needs it, craves it.

I was an only child for most of my young life, and I didn't live in a neighborhood. Our house was the only one on our road.

So, I spent most of my time by myself...and I guess I got used to that. So much so, that if I don't have my space, my time out, my time alone...I literally go quite mad.

And I had been going mad for some time now without even knowing it.
My family on the other hand has been suffering the brunt of this, as I had placed my need for solitude back on their shoulders by labeling them loud, rude and inconsiderate.

No, they aren't...not really.

My children don't know what it is to be an only child.
Neither does my husband.

They are typical personalities who have always had people around to share time with.

I have a couple of friends who are only children, and I see why I love them so much, and I realize now what we have in common. The need to have space.

These friendships are very close and secure, but oddly enough we do not actually see each other very often. And this works for us. Because when we do see each other it is met with great enthusiasm. I am quite sure that it would not be so if we were around each other all the time. It would go against our natures.

Anyway, back to my family...they have put up with my grumpiness long enough, so I am back in the small office space. My desk is nice and neat and behind me are piles of items that make no sense to me. Why we have them I don't know. Actually, it isn't that bad...we just need shelves to make sense of it all.

Regardless, as I moved the desk back in this room away from the TV and the noise, I started to feel calm again. Which is really funny because I adamantly opposed coming back in here. I reluctantly gave in...and now I have apologized to my husband and have admitted that he was right.

My desk needs to be away from everyone. For my own sanity, and for my family's comfort...

I am the only child of my mother and father. My blood is unique, I am a race unto my own.

Sometimes I just need to accept that it isn't a bad thing.

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Meet W.C.F. ; "Fluffy" for short.

Hi my name is Kassi and I am a shopaholic.

Not in the sense that I shop all the time, but I suffer from bouts of depression brought on by the messes I get myself into...and to make myself feel better; or more specifically to send myself into oblivion, I shop.

This past week I entered a shopping frenzy. A frenzy that was used to diffuse my stress over a mid term exam that I had no chance of passing.

You can recognize when I am in this state by the fact that I am searching madly all over a store looking for bargains, and my eyes are glazed.

I'm the lady at the check out counter that is almost hyperventilating when she hands over her card, because she can't quite remember what she bought, and even worse if she bought what she came for...

I am the woman, worn out and carry several bags of items of which she has no clue...it will be like Christmas when she gets home.

Opening those bags to surprise herself again and again.

I found this purse...isn't it cute?

Yes, it is the perfect shade of baby pink. I tried to convince myself to take it back to the store, but I had already named it...and you know the rule...

Once you name it...it is yours.

Kassi's Delivery Service

I spent most of my day working on my home business; organizing, making calls, and delivering items to people who have made orders. Discipline. Dedication.

On my way to drop off my grandmother's order the kids and I had quite a scare.

It has been raining in the normal Spring torrents off and on for the past week or so. We missed the rain and had been driving through the aftermath...which meant slick roads and idiot drivers.

I'm not a good driver. Anyone who has driven with me will tell you that they are frightened to be a passenger while I am behind the wheel. I am agressive, risky, a lead foot,and sometimes distracted... But I try to refrain from this when my children are in the car with me...and today they were.

Because they were I expect the rest of the drivers around me to act accordingly...but they usually don't.

So, keeping that in mind, I was extra watchful, and good thing because I was able to divert my car from a huge black Explorer pushing me out of my lane. They apparently didn't see my stupid little white Saturn.

Soo...I honked...you know...because the driver in the S.U.V. scared me, and my kids...and to be honest I think that if I hadn't honked I would not be writing this post...I would be writing a different one titled "Traction, it's many charms"...

Anyway--I honked...and then the driver of this huge vehicle of doom pulls ahead of me on the right side, flips me off and then CUTS ME OFF.

Now, I don't know about you...but for me, I had contained my inner aggressive driver long enough. Kids in the car or not, I was not going to let this injustice just go. No no..not Me.

So I followed them. I not only followed them, I followed them while honking...

All.the.way.to.her.neighborhood.

Then once in their neighborhood I stopped honking and just followed a good distance until they sped up to a number that I was uncomfortable copying through a residential area...and turned around to finish my original course.

Now...why would I do something so bold [ahem...crazy]?

Rationalize it...say I was driving and cut someone off, ticked off the wrong person and they followed me home and then got out of their car and attacked me, or worse...found out where I lived and did something even more horrendous later on...those people exist.

I hope I scared her [and I think I did]...maybe she will think twice before being a mindless jerk [and that would be jerk with a captial "A"] on the road.

Which brings me back to my own bad driving...if I do something offensive in my recklessness, given the chance I wave and say "Sorry"...because I know I'm in the wrong. I may be laughing maniacally while I am apologizing, but hey...at least there is an "I'm sorry" amongst the cackling.

But this chic did not give me that courtesy...she felt it was in her right to almost push me off the road into other traffic, flip me off, and then cut me off.

The moral of this story, besides stay off the road when Kassi is driving...is this: If you are being a jerk on the road, acknowledge it...otherwise you may just upset the wrong person.

You never know...you may just tick off a mother of three trying to deliver some skin care products.

On a side note, I was proud of myself that I did not swear once. I opted to call her a witch instead of the "B" alternative, and again...many people would be surprised at the restraint I displayed.

- Her license plate number is NCR 405; and while I did think of calling the police I decided not to so that I could avoid having to explain why I followed her for so long...while honking my horn.
Vigilantism is not widely accepted in the Northern states.

-For those in the gallery...yes I DID get my driver's license from a Cracker Jack box, yes I was voted the runner up to the worst driver in Highschool, no my driving has NOT improved since Hawaii, and yes I gained many more bad driving skills from my one year stay in Japan. :P

-I promise that when it comes time for me to sit on a phone book to see over the steering wheel I will give up my license.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Ready Mom!

My youngest announces that she is ready to go...

Ready to go generally means one of two things in Kimi's world-Go to the Park, or Go Shopping. She loves to shop. Especially for shoes. She also likes to wear princess clothes, which translates to "dresses". Right now she is wearing a princess shirt...which looks like a sun dress, but shorter.

Anyway, she tells me she is ready to go...and I figure she is putting on her shoes. So I take a look and there she is decked out in a snow suit, winter hat and a pair of sandals.

I admire her tenacity in wanting to go shopping, but I am going to have to work with her a bit on coordinating her wardrobe...

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Happy Happy Joy Joy

A Boy

And his toy

How to Test My Patience

Make every annoying noise imaginable while I try to take a mid term exam that is comprised solely of mathematical formulas written in what appears to be a dead language...

I stand corrected...

Me: Kimi, you are a poop.

Kimi: No momma I'm a brat!

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

When it Rains, it Floods.

Last year at this time I was a single mom living in a two-bedroom apartment with three children.

Last year at this time I felt the devastation of having our living space flooded. While we slept the rain overtook our living room. Many of our books were destroyed, thankfully we did not lose very many of our belongings.

As much as it was good news that our things weren't totally destroyed, we had a hard time with our apartment complex in getting our "home" back to inhabital conditions. Meaning; everything that was in the living room was shoved into the already crowded dining space. Bare concrete was showing, and the smell of mildew permeated everything. We essentially had a 2x4 walk space between our bedrooms and the bathroom, and a narrow walk between the front door, the kitchen, and our bedrooms.

Suffice it to say, it was horrible. We couldn't eat dinner at our own place. We lived like this for two weeks. And even after the carpet was replaced, it smelled like dirty water.

Why did our apartment flood? Well, in Michigan, in the Spring and sometimes at the end of summer we get what is called Scorching Hot Weather followed by Torrential Rains. They last for a mere 15 minutes to maybe a 1/2 hour, but the devastation is unmistakable. It's great fun.

Our apartment was "below ground" level, and because the electricty had gone out, the drainage pump no longer worked...hence every kind of nasty thing that can be found in drainage water had found it's way into our home.

This of course happens during the time that I am trying to plan a wedding, go to school, and work full time. Like I said...great fun.

After many days arguing with our landlord, I was finally able to get them to allow us to move to a different unit. This time a 4 bedroom town house. Blessing in disguise? Maybe. We had to pay an extra $1000, straight from our wedding fund, in order to make the move.

Certainly the townhouse is located on higher ground...I determined this the first moment I looked the place over. So that was important.

We like our place well enough, but after a year we are ready to leave...which has nothing to do with our place and everything to do with our neighbors habit of setting off fireworks at 3:00 AM, and having arguments outside our window at 4:00 AM.

So, we will stay one more year, working it out and hopefully working towards that house we so desperately want. Where we will go...we don't know. Moving is such a huge thing. We do agree that we will have to hire movers this time around. Considering the way that the last move occured, I am very okay with the added expense.

So, my point to all of this is actually the rain...because today it happened again. No, not the flooding...but the rain. It came down in torrents. Quite literally soaking everything within a few seconds.

This also happened to be the day that I promised the children I would go summer clothes shopping with them. And they were not swayed by the rain. Literally, it came down in sheets of water that I could barely see through. In the two seconds it took me to get to my car I was soaked through...and learned that I had left my window open.

The kids were drenched, thankfully it wasn't a particularly cold rain.

But they were determined, and I had promised. They wanted to go shopping...even Zac, which is unusual for him. Probably the lure of new shoes...

As we pulled out of our complex, I had to drive through at least 14 inches of standing water that had accumulated in the road right outside our townhouse. A bright pink pool raft floated by. It was surreal, it was wet, and it was thundering and lightening all over...but at least it was not in our living room.

Definitely a blessing.

Let's Journal My Meltdown...

Today, seemingly inconsolable...I quite literally decided that I should quit my Corporate Finance class. Just quit. Because seriously, the formulas are like trying to decipher hieroglyphics. Future Value, Present Value, Interest Rates, Value of Perpetuity...it's GREEK to me, I mean, when I do my financial planning I will hire someone with a very large brain to do it for me. Literally, when I go searching for the right person, their head will be abnormally large.

So, sitting at my computer, totally overwhelmed...I cried. And Caleb told em to get away from the computer...and I cried "What about learning this alien language?" He said it could wait...

This is of course after I sent a frantic email to the instructor...and later found out that I sent it to the wrong instructor...see how good I am?

So...he was able to discern by my mascara streaked face that I needed to calm down. He proceeded to show me the wonders of Video on Demand. To which I learned how to make white pepper ice cream, and watched an episode of Jeff Corwin Unleashed.

Jeff Corwin is awesome, and I was good for the laugh...

So I downed my tea, and listened to Caleb moon over his new remote control and all of the wonderful channels we get that will surely enrich our lives...

It was a good distraction.

Afterwards though, hard reality hit...no amount of Jeff Corwin can take away the fact that I am enrolled in Corporate Finance. And worse, if I don't pass--I'll have to take it AGAIN.

So, I am back to trying to decipher these codes...surely all of this FV,PB, I, i, FVAn, and iNom means something pertinent to my daily life.

Perhaps after all is done I will have contacted alien life forms or cracked the DaVinci Code or something like that.

In the meantime, if you approach me take some advice from Jeff Corwin; use caution, be fast, and carry a U-Hook. [Chocolate will work too]

Monday, June 06, 2005

Driven to Distraction

I have been told that everyone has a limit. A point that they can go no further without there being some kind of change. No way of moving forward, and if you try you may just fall back (or on your face).

I reached that point, (I think).

My classes are falling behind, to which I have expressed my concerns with my instructors. And to be honest it isn't that my classes are too terribly difficult...at least one of them isn't. It is just because I have been procrastinating beyond my safety net. Pushing the limit of how much I can do in as little of time as possible in order to enjoy the moment now.

It is really only a matter of time before that plan fails.

So, I have decided to take a break from the (numerous) extras. My course work has to come first...and after the coursework, and after spending time with my husband and children...if I have time for my own peace...then I will take it.

Right now though I have been fringing on the reality of a possible failure. If not in my grades, at least in my eyes--my grades are average right now.

Perhaps the lure of summer is just too great. I am highly influenced by the weather. I swear that the leaves in the trees are taunting me, charming me--even right now.But I have to remain focused...and I have to write two papers and study for my mid-term.

Thankfully, right now I can grab another hour of reading, as Kimi is taking an uncharacteristic nap.

If only the wind would be quiet.

Days in White Cotton

Today I longed for a big white t-shirt, something flowy to allow the air, any air to be trapped next to my skin.

It was 95 degrees out today.

Michigan has no business being that warm.

I am the sort that prefers her weather to remain in the mid to high seventies. Anything beyond that is pushing my patience.

It was beautiful out though. We strolled [and sweated] through the botanical gardens. The kids had fun, actually letting Kimi out of the jog stroller to frolic in the flowers.

I took tons of photos [of course]. My favorite is of Kimi trying to rub Dandelion butter on her nose.

Afterwards was a mandatory trek to get Bubble Tea. Duh.

We were a sweaty mess, but didn't care. And I remain forever amazed at the lack of courtesy displayed by Ann Arborites...by the fact that an adult man actually told my daughter that her choice of drink looked gross. [??] Who says that to a kid? Especially one you don't know.

The whole weekend was afflicted by this hot weather. I spent most of Saturday indoors doing homework. And then when I took a break it was to go see Caleb in a play that he was in.

I am glad that it is almost summer, dont' get me wrong. I just think that I need to be in better shape and buy more clothes. Loose fitting ones that flow in the breeze. If I could get away with draping a gauzy white sheet around me every day this summer, believe me I would.

Unfortunately the toga look isn't in this year.

Friday, June 03, 2005

Field Trip 2005

On Wednesday I chaperoned a field trip to the zoo with Abi's 2nd grade class. I was assigned four girls, including Abi. They were good, I had no problems with them at all, however I find that I generally do not have any conflicts with the children when I have chaperoned in the past for my kids' field trips. I get along with them quite well.

Our task for the day [because when it is a school field trip we need to focus on something academic these days] was to look at the amphibians and reptiles. So, we did. In fact a good portion of our time was spent looking at frogs, snakes, crocodiles and turtles. It was a good time. Unfortunately the photos of said creatures did not turn out [because the majority of them were behind glass]. And I didn't get a chance to take any photos in the rain forest; we were too busy being excited about finding actual poison dart frogs hiding on the leaves and in the nooks of the trees. We could have actually touched these frogs...and the girls were a little worried that they would be attacked. But I assured them that the frogs were more scared of them than vice versa.

I'm not a big fan of frogs, so it took some mettle on my part to remain calm and not freak out myself being less than a foot away from one that could actually poison me. [I won't even go into the fact that KASSI entered a room that was inhabited by frogs--not in glass cases--WHAT was I thinking?--ok it was for the sake of education...and my daughter's fragile reputation]

I will admit that some of them were very cool, with all of their wild colors.

Afterwards [after escaping the freaky frog room of doom] the kids were divided on what they wanted to see with the limited time we had left. And the Detroit Zoo is fairly large. So we chose to check out the lions and tigers, and then see the polar bears. [Oh MY] The lions were disappointing, sleeping as usual. However the tigers were awake and moving around. One stayed still long enough to pose for a photo shoot.

The other thing that took me by surprise was to see the hippo grazing...and out of the water. I have never seen that before. It was huge, and made me reaffirm that I should watch what I eat.

After all of our walking we decided to skip the bears and head to the play area [a.k.a. SHADE]...where the kids could act like monkeys, or frogs or whatever else they wanted--and I could SIT.

I am always happy to be able to accompany my children on their field trips for school. And I think that they like me to be there; Abi held my hand most of the day. I think it is important as a parent to take part in at least some of these events. Even if you can't make all of them...at least one a year [per child] is okay.

I am not sure that I have the stamina to do it all the time though, I quite literally fell asleep on the bus ride home.

Thankfully no one put bubblegum in my hair...

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Memorial Day Montage

Thursday evening Scott came in from Wisconsin, that night I made another batch of yaki soba, had dinner and then hung out.

Friday, after I came home from work it was such a beautiful day that I decided we should take Kimi to the park...Scott got the camera away from me...so yeah...I swear I'm not really a vampire.

Kimi on the other hand had a ton of fun. She did insist on bringing the bubbles...

Can you blame her?

Friday night we decided to stay in and try and catch up on the Star Wars movies...because I have not seen them all. Yeah..and? But to make up for my failing in the arena of Star Wars knowledge and fandom, I made chicken tacos...this is Caleb's overstuffed Mondo Taco.

It was huge.

But that didn't stop Caleb.

On Saturday we took Scott out to Ann Arbor so that he could experience some of our favorite places...these places of course all sold food. We have determined that good entertainment must involve food. Here he is at our Bubble Tea hang out.

We did manage to go to our favorite book store, only to find out that it is closing. But that means everything is on sale, and Scott was able to find some books he had been looking for.

Saturday night we went to see Episode III. No I wasn't altogether impressed, but I didn't expect to be. Chewbacca is my favorite charcter. The only thing that would have made it better was if Jar Jar had died [again] and the ewoks had a party at the Cantina.

After the movie we went to Claddaugh, an Irish Pub. It was good and I feasted on Brie and steamed mussels, and hard cider. mmm...hard cider.

Sunday morning we went to church, then out to lunch, and then to Stone Cold Creamery [see what I mean about food?]. Later that day we convened at a friends house to hang out [and eat more food]...play some cards. I finally learned how to play poker, too bad I stink. Here the guys are waiting to play...sizing each other up. You know..guy poker stuff. [?!?]

We left rather late...and I lost $1.

We decided to hang out with the same friends on Monday as well...and when we finally arrived [after 1. forgetting the directions, and 2. locking ourselves out of the house without car keys] we had a generally good time. The guys played volley ball...

But the girls had other plans...and attacked them with water balloons. Abi thought this was good fun...

However the little ones kept themselves busy by making path traps for unsuspecting bikers and pedestrians...hopefully no one was barefoot. Yes, those are rocks they are scattering. Hence the name 'path traps'.

I'm still amazed that they worked together so nicely on this...it's almost scary.

I'm still amazed by the perfect weather.

But I am not amazed that Chad and Caleb are weird. They are always weird.

Oh, Roxy came with us...she got groomed in the morning..she looks like a normal dog now. She is much softer, and well...Caleb has more reason to squish her now.

Eventually though, the day wound down...and a great truth came to light. We had to let Scott go back to Wisconsin. There were some very furry critters waiting for him there--we just couldn't keep him! Could we?

And that wraps up our Memorial Day weekend...

The End.

Prosaic Poppy 2005-2006