Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Smoke Signals

I received an email today that made my mouth a little dry.

I do not know my biological father. It has been something that has bothered and blessed me depending on what mood/ experience I am having.

Not knowing him doesn't consume me. It is more of a gnaw. Just at the corners. Curiosity. I am not one to let things hang.

Yet, this I have.

I've made feeble attempts throughout the years to "find" him. Smoke signals really,but I haven't put any real effort into the search. I'm a little afraid of what the answer may be to my ultimate question "why did you leave?".

I think that I like the answers I have come up with better than any lame excuse someone could give me. Although, they all amount to lame excuses if you really think about it.

I know that I have (at the very least) another brother, whom I have never met.

I know that it is something that I should address.

But I haven't.

And today I received an email in response to one of the feeble attempts I made way back in June of 2000. An inquiry on a message board long forgotten.

Will I respond?

Now THAT is the ultimate question.

4 Comments:

At 14:14, Anonymous irene said...

I admire your honesty and your courage. will you respond? please, I hope you'll let us know. I'm with you though. good luck.

 
At 17:13, Blogger speckledpup said...

I was raised by my biological parents. I am so much of what they were. I can't imagine not knowing my daddy, the most impressive person I've ever met.

I'm always stumped, and don't think I'm trivializing, because I'm not, but I'm always stumped at adoptees who don't really have that *uumph* to find their bio parents..... how can you NOT know?

I hope you will respond. I hope it's a positive thing for you and I hope you tell us all about it. I, for one, am really, really interested.

 
At 18:08, Blogger Kassi said...

In an answer to your question of how can a person not know...it's easy. There are reasons why my biological father is not in my life. Just as there are reasons my daughter's biological father is not in her life.

Not knowing is the easy part.

 
At 01:09, Blogger AfricaBleu said...

My best friend is adopted - and though she has said things like, "I wonder if there I have any sibling who look like me?" and "I wonder if my mother's hair is red, like mine?", she is not interested in finding out for real. She is with you, Kassi - the NOT knowing is almost better - because, as she told me, "What if they're toothless rednecks who haven't finished the eighth grade? What if it hurts my mom if I go looking for these bio people?"

It's a tricky question - one I know you are entirely capable of answering without help - so I will just say, "Good luck and God bless" to whatever you decide.

 

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