Monday, July 11, 2005

Confessions of a Dip

I started this blog 5 months ago. I wasn't sure where I would go with it. Or what would become of it. 5 months isn't that long. However, in my writing I have discovered some thing about myself that had I gone unchecked I may have overlooked.

For instance, I am not as good a writer as I thought I was.
It's okay. I am still learning. And I like it that way. Perfection has no place in my life...except for on the other side of the spectrum where I can gaze at it admirably.

I was named Kassandra Anne Vitales. My nickname was "Sandy" until the 8th grade, and then I changed it to "Kassi". Some of my family still call me "Sandy". I used to get upset and correct them...but those people changed my diapers so, I guess they have that right.

I still do not know what I want to be when I grow up. However, I do think that I am going to be growing up soon, so I should figure it out.

I definitely am rusty at being a good friend. I get too caught up in my own crap that I forget that there are other people out there who have it a lot worse than I do. Everything I experience is really small in comparison to how other people in the world live, and in fact I am pretty spoiled. [blah blah blah me me me]

I need to lighten up. My childhood wasn't as bad as it could have been...and thankfully those who mistreated me back then are no longer in my life now. In fact, I would venture a guess that they are in their own hell. God has a way of taking care of His own, in his own time.

As for my adulthood...I'm not a victim. I'm a survivor. And that takes on a whole different set of responsibilities. Survivors don't whine. Yes I was abused, yes I was raped...blah blah blah. So were a ton of other people. Get over it...go help someone who isn't dealing with it as well as you are.

Being a Christian doesn't mean being a prude. It just means that you have to play by the rules, and there are some pretty grave consequences if you choose not to.

I still love trees. I don't think that I will ever reside some place that hasn't any trees.

I'm not as limber as I used to be. Though, more limber than some.

I am generally quite selfish. Though people may say I am not...I am. Everyone is. But that is no excuse. So I try to practice acts of unselfishness...because with kindness there is always a return.

I am still afraid of the dark. My head plays tricks on me...and though I know nothing is under my bed...I still get that wonky feeling that someone is under there ready to grab my feet.

I am picky about housework. I am one of the most anal retentive house cleaners that you will ever meet. But I don't want to lift a I am a lazy dictator--except when I am mad..then I am a cleaning freak. If my house is clean quite likely I was having a tantrum just moments before you walked through the door.

I don't like fart jokes unless I am telling them. I have to be in a certain mood to enjoy them...and quite frankly, there are no indicators to let you know that I am in that mood except when I am already making fart jokes.

I sometimes worry that I am schizophrenic. No joke. It's a sucky thing to know the symptoms, experience some of them...and have them go away. No one should be that cognizant of themselves.

Speaking of self awareness...I sometimes wish I weren't. Life would be so much easier that way. However, I don't I am stuck with self inflicted cognizance.

I need to laugh more--especially at myself...because quite honestly--I'm a goofball. Maybe if I weren't trying to be so grown up cool then I could laugh at someone elses fart jokes.

When it comes down to it...I sell make up. I am not ashamed of this...but I would like to be good at it. I have a long way to go though, because I am not the cheerleader type.

I tried being a cheerleader once...I sucked.

I tried working in an office [several times] and it sucked.

I love animals...except when they crap on my carpet or chew up my pantyhose.

I still stare off into space. Apparently it was something that I have been doing since a very young age. It is like my brain is on pause...and while I am aware of the world around me...I choose to ignore it.

I am anti abortion. Someone gave me a chance...I didn't turn out so bad.

There are plenty of things in my life that I am ashamed of...that is a list for another time.

One of my most vivid memories is of yanking my best friends very long beautiful black hair in order for her to avoid stepping in a puddle of puke that created by a drunk on the Boblo boat...

...she was mad at me for pulling her hair...

...I wanted to push her back into the puddle...

...but I didn't.


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