Sunday, May 08, 2005

When the Day Ends...

Today is Mother's Day. I woke up to the sound of my children watching cartoons in the living room. My husband asked if I would like my gifts before or after church..."before!" I stated. I've never been one to wait when it came to presents.

My family bought me some perfume that I had been wanting, and a new pink mug for drinking tea in the morning. My old green one had acquired a crack on the inside of it, and I didn't want to continue using it.

My children made home made cards and I have a new plaster of paris hand print from Abi. I still have the one from when she was 2 years old, I will keep this one on display for a while and then pack it safely away some day.

I sent everyone who I know is a mother a Mother's Day card this year. I was going to only send to those very close to me, and then my family, but as I got started buying cards, I found that I wanted to wish every mother I know a happy day. Many of them probably wouldn't have expected a card from me, but I am learning the importance of letting people I care about know that I appreciate them.

After church we went to Panara Bread. My family loves to go there, and I like the salads. Today's salad had strawberries in it and was delicious.

We came home and found that we were exhausted. Well, Caleb and I were. We had stayed up late last night watching the most bizarre movie ever. So, we told the kids we were going to take a quick nap and then go bike riding.

We left to go bike riding at 3:30. A little later than we had intended, but still it was nicer than getting out there when the sun was too high and too hot. The weather was gorgeous...I couldn't have asked for more.

The bike ride was great. Aside from learning that my second child needs to learn how to pay better attention when she is on a bike, the trip was awesome. We rode through neighborhoods, looking at quaint brick houses. We picked up brochures from the houses that had 'For Sale' signs. There are a few that we would really like to try for, maybe we will, maybe we won't ...but it was nice to 'window shop'. We held out our arms high up to brush our fingertips against the leaves that were overhanging the sidewalks. We smelled lilacs and blossom trees as we rode our bikes under the clear blue sky.

We came home after riding for almost 3 hours. Mostly because we were getting hungry. I had hoped to prepare BBQ chicken, but it would have taken too long, so we settled for my simple favorite, Stouffer's Pizza and vegetable sticks.

After dinner I decided that I should call my mother and wish her a happy mother's day. She didn't answer her phone, I didn't expect that she would. She doesn't answer the phone when I call. So I left a message. "Hi, it's Kassi. Happy Mother's Day! I hope that you have had a nice day."

Then I called my grandma. I felt more inclined to make this call, and I was glad when she answered the phone and was happy to hear from me. After wishing her a Happy Mother's Day, I learned that she had spent the day with my brother's, my sister, and my mom for Mother's Day. A family event. One in which I was not invited.

This is not unusual. In fact, I already knew that they would be doing something for Mother's Day. And I already knew that I would not be invited.

Yet, regardless of how much I know this it never fails to sting.

The confirmation that I had been left out reinforces the very thing that always has hurt me the most. The very thing that has chipped away at me since I was a little girl. The very thing that has tainted every relationship that I have ever had. Unwanted.

Nothing can reduce me to tears, or make me feel like a small child faster than that feeling. Nothing.

And here I am, it is Mother's Day. Three children of my own. Still seeking approval. Still going back to that confirm the one thing that will be sure to hurt me the most, on a day that has been nothing short of perfect.

So I have to ask the end of the day what do I want to remember about today? How I was once again, not invited? Or the time that I spent with my own children?

If only all my decisions could be so easy...right.

If only I could keep myself from thinking.


At 23:16, Anonymous Scott C. said...

For what it's worth, happy Mother's Day from this little camper. :)

At 07:30, Anonymous lawbrat said...

Happy Mothers Day to you Kassi.
I have an idea of what your feeling. Not exactly the same, but an idea. But, I havent allowed myself to feel in so long. I'm working on that in therapy.

Remember the day with your kids and hubby. What a wonderful memory. Keep it with you. Its ok to feel.

At 07:48, Blogger Fin said...

First and foremost - happy belated mother's day. It sounds like you had a great time, and that is WONDERFUL.

Second - and only SLIGHTLY less important - you know - you MUST know, that you do not really wish to keep yourself from thinking. As a matter of fact, I'm quite certain that not only do you need to think (on a regular basis) but I honestly believe that for the most part, you enjoy it.

As for unhappy thinking, I have found that the easiest way for me to push that aside is to fill my head with all of the blessings in my life... not as a half hearted effort, but REALLY, honestly, and deeply considering how terribly much worse off I could be... even by just imagining ONE of the wonderful blessings in my life being taken away. It seriously diminishes the effect of the annoying thought...

Love u to bits!

At 08:16, Blogger Kassi said...

I think that it will basically come down to choosing which is more important to me. And quite honestly, THAT decision is much easier to make. I had a great day with my children and my husband. Nothing should be let to overshadow that.


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