Friday, November 18, 2005

Lying Blue Sky

June 2002

Clear images of that day. Feeling more alone than I can explain.

The bright blue sky is just like your smile; a lie.

You are a phone call away. Less than a mile to drive.

And that burns more than the sun.

I am farther than I realize, unmistakably alone. Beginning a journey with just one step.

I won't call.

I won't cry.

Okay, maybe I'll cry. But I won't call.

I called.

But I didn't throw up.

Strength in small doses.

I had taken the kids to my grandma's pool. I had been there so many times as a child, I thought that it would bring some happiness to the day. The world had just turned upside down. My kids were scared. They needed to have fun.

Their smiling faces peer back at me from the photos that I took from that day. I wonder to myself if they knew how knotted I was inside. Did I pull it off? Did I hide my tears well enough? Was my voice too strained? Did I seem distracted? Did they notice my hands shaking?

A photo won't tell me the answers to these questions. Thier smiles look sincere, I hope that they remember the fun, and not that their mother was working out what to do next, desperate to not break down.
Desperate to not throw up.

Sometimes the story of a photo is found on the other side of the viewfinder.


At 03:47, Anonymous irene said...

you are such a wonderful mom. the truth is, they probably knew something was going on. but they also felt how much you love them. and it's the most important thing, isn't it?

At 07:24, Blogger Fin said...

i agree with irene... it's not horrible for kids to know turmoil - at least not as much as it's important for them to see how strong you were through it.

in those moments of struggle, pain, tears, and nausea, I'm sure they learned - on a very primal level - how very strong their mother really is.

At 09:58, Blogger speckledpup said...

at least you were trying.
Sometimes that's all you can do.
They'll remember that you were brave, courageous.

At 10:21, Blogger Kelly said...

I'm glad kids are resilient, and that they can't possibly understand all the nuances of our adult struggles. I failed in so many ways with my kids, yet they're turning out to be great teenager/adults... Yours will too, Kassi. It's obvious you love them. Besides, the best people are those who didn't have life handed to them on silver, you know? xo

At 10:58, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are a great mother and made important changes in your life that have made their lives better.


At 12:51, Blogger AfricaBleu said...

Look how far you've come. I'm sure your kids are in tune with THAT - and someday they'll realize how much you did to keep it all together.

And they'll "rise up and call you blessed" (Proverbs 31).

Great post.

At 15:59, Anonymous Naomi said...

Oh my...don't make me cry. Right now I know exactly how you felt. When you're trying so hard not to let your children see that you're breaking down inside. When you have to put aside yourself and make things work for them.

I'm trying really hard. I actually appreciate seeing how well you've done since then. It gives me a great deal of hope.

At 17:09, Blogger Kassi said...

I certainly didn't feel strong...mostly selfish and stupid. Thankfully, we all survived those times. I am just glad that my children aren't subject to extreme behavioral problems now. They would certainly have a right to be angry.

It only lends to my belief that it wasn't anything I did...and that God watched over them through it all.


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