Tuesday, September 20, 2005

George and the Wooden Spoon

I have a deep dark dirty secret. And I am about to share it with the entire internet; which really consitutes as three drunken readers , two if which make comments under different names in order to keep the illusion that I have friends...


My secret is that I have a wart.

It's gross, so no need to comment on that. I already know.

But today, in an attempt to get rid of the one that is planted on the bottom of my left heel...I went to the footologist [not really sure what a foot doctor is called at the moment]...I received an injection of some super duty anti-viral medicine.

That seems easy enough. Let me go into detail.

For the past few months I have been cleverly masking the excrutiating pain of having a foot growth. I can barely step down on my left foot. You won't hear me complain about it unless you are my husband...

Okay...so back to my excrutiating pain. Seriously...I couldn't dance even if I wanted to, and I want to.

So I became fed up...and I scheduled myself for an appointment to see how to get rid of it, because quite honestly...I was about to dig the thing out of my foot myself. I had been entertaining the idea of burning it out as well...but since I am not into self mutilation...I decided to get the doctor involved..[OH it's a podiatrist!! ...I think].

Okay, so I get to the doctors office at 7:00 AM, and he looks at it and offers an alternative to surgery...becuase that is what it is called when one cuts something off [or out] of the body. Surgery.

He very cheerfully explains that he can inject my foot with a very strong medicine, and then in a couple of weeks it will die [because its frikkin ALIVE]...it will turn black, and then my body will reject it, and it will fall off.

Wouldn't THAT be a fitting treatment for genital warts? I think so.

Anyway...I agree...because I don't want to be laid up for a few days missing work for that is not really my plan.

They numb the area...which entails blasting the bottom of my foot with super cold stuff. I mean arctic, make my leg bone feel like it is going to shatter cold.

Then, they insert a needle into the growth.

I'll repeat that for all three of my dedicated readers.

They insert a needle into the growth...

...which is in the bottom of my foot, which is already in pain I don't care if they say that the cold stuff will numb it.

I think my eyes rolled back into my head as I white knuckeld the armrests and broke out into a cold sweat.

Usually what I do in these extreme instances of pain is remind myself that I gave birth to three children...

But that didn't really help.

The amazing thing is that after he was done torturing George [because you have to name it if you are going to kill it]...he patted my foot and said "good job...you didn't even flinch"

Didn't even flinch? Didn't even flinch?? What the heck??

Apparently he didn't notice the teeth marks on my bottom lip from biting down to divert the pain.

oh that's right, foot doctors are called "comedians"...

I think that I'll call up the the comedian's assistant and tell her to keep some wooden spoons on hand for my next appointment.

P.S. I shower EVERYDAY.


At 00:34, Blogger desertUndine said...

Ouch. I would have passed OUT. I hate needles, and that would have freaked me out completely. Hopefully it works!

ps - I don't think it's overly gross - my sister had a wart when we were little and they put some nasty smelling stuff on it for like forever and it went away - all that I thought was gross about it was the smell of the medicine...

At 07:06, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had warts on the bottom of my feet when I was younger too. I remember the freezing and needles even now. I think that the memory was burned into my brain. Good luck.

At 07:06, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was me above.

Erin M.

At 07:10, Anonymous Anonymous said...


I FEEL your pain. I had Plantar's warts removed when I was in high school. Like you, I could no longer walk and as I was about to be an exchange student to Germany (and therefore walking A LOT), I finally told my mom that I wasn't developmentally disabled, my limping shuffle was due to pain.

This was before the 'needle' days.

The podiatrist tried freezing it off, then (after three weeks of treatments) brought out the scalpel.

I chose to represent our country with a limp that summer.

Eventually, the damn thing fell off seemingly of it's own accord.

My sister says that it's because it wasn't really a wart, it was an alien.

We'll keep your tender foot in our prayers!!

--Kim Rife

At 09:01, Blogger SlushTurtle said...

Oh Kassi, that was seriously enough to almost make me pass out! =) Speaking of which, I used to know a guy who got dizzy and faint if anyone said "stone bruise"... He would never have made it through your appointment!

At 09:30, Blogger Kassi said...

Thank you everyone for being so caring about me and accepting of George. I'm still trying to kill him though.

At 09:44, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been trying to get rid of a plantar's wart since fifth grade. Everytime I go to the podiatrist to get it removed, it disappears for a short while, and then comes back. The worst part is that each time it comes back it brings a new wart with it. I also shower ever day and have been kept this problem a deep dark secret. If this method gets rid of the wart, please let me know the name of your podiatrist.


At 12:56, Blogger Kassi said...

Most of my friends have or have had warts!! This is so cool. Painful, but cool! :)

At 14:17, Anonymous Anonymous said...


The warts DO tend to come back, as they are a virus. They can lie dormant for quite a while, then suddenly re-appear for no apparent reason. (Somewhat similar to the 'shingles' virus --may none of us EVER get that one!)

It matters not how often you shower or what soap you use to clean yourself with, they happen from the inside.

More's the pity...

I am happy to say that I will suffer the occasional Plantar's Wart with joy as long as my acne stays under control! (Yeah, Mary Kay!!)

I will continue to keep you and George in my prayers. (...and I'll start looking for a little nosegay for his coffin...)

--Kim Rife

At 17:50, Blogger Kassi said...

My son actually had shingles once. It was horrible. It was caused by stress, he was worried about the MEAP testing in Elementary school. I hate to think what he may be like in college....

sign me: "feeling less like the hunchback of Notre Dame and more like the mascot of the wart club" :)


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