Saturday, April 30, 2005

Then and Now

I don't think that anything hit me as hard as looking at my grades from when I attended school during the first half of 2002.

Sometimes I try to pass off what was going on at that time of my life as 'nothing', or just another phase...but looking at my grades...yeah...that was a bad time.

Bad enough that I couldn't concentrate on much of anything. And it wasn't just my experience with Mike...but working full time and supporting 5 people [including Mike]...while pregnant. And working for a man who was nothing short of malicious. This was a man who when he found out I was [unmarried] and pregnant did everything he could to discredit my work in a company I had hoped to have a career with.

Yes...I have to pray about that one, because I don't feel an inkling of forgiveness for that man. Not one bit. are my grades, and you can see the downward spiral. I look back on my life and I can quite honestly say that it was at this point I was the farthest I could be from God without actually committing suicide. Everyone has thier own personal hell...and here was mine, and it began with rape.

I wish that I could tell women, teenagers, girls, that it doesn't have to get that bad. And if it does...there is hope...even when we don't believe that we are deserving of that hope. I had pretty much given up on myself...deeming that I had made the bed, so lie in it--this was my punishment. I didn't believe that anything would change, and I would remain where I was.

Then somehow...broken to a just that may or may not know that point, but I do, and I don't want to visit it again. But I was broken to that point, where something snapped. I could have quite possibly gone mad. Or maybe I did...but just enough to be open, and lucid, and crazy, and free, and wild enough...just let me hear his voice but for me, it wasn't just a voice, it was a chorus, and melody mixed with sunshine on a clear summer day. Blue skies, and Blue eyes.

God knew. Summer 2002. He waited until I was at that point.

Take a look at me now...Winter 2005. I owe it all to God.

Winter 2002
Course ID /Course Title /Grade
ACC211 /Prin Acctg I /W
MGT228 /Women In Mgt /B+
MGT320 /Hum Res Mgt/ B

Spring 2002
Course ID/ Course Title/ Grade
ACC211 /Prin Acctg I/ W
MGT220 /Small Bus Mgt/ F
MGT325 /Pur Mat Mgt /W

Summer 2002
Course ID /Course Title /Grade
ACC211 /Prin Acctg I /C-
HIS144 /20th Century /World W
MGT220 /Small Bus Mgt/ W

Winter 2005
Course ID /Course Title /Grade
ACCT112 /Accounting Foundations II /B
ENGL211 /Professional Writing /B+
MATH120/ College Mathematics /B+
MATH320/ Introduction to Statistics /A-
MGMT321/ Organizational Behavior /A-


At 09:11, Anonymous Scott C. said...

Congratulations on your upward spiral... :)

At 09:46, Anonymous JgPoet said...

It is great to see things have turned around for you after so many years of being in the darkness of a unknown future. Now it seems the that future is almost blinding for you......I am happy to see that you persevered.

At 19:19, Anonymous lawbrat said...

Im so glad you got to that point, and came back up! That is a beautiful post. I know that point. Its a fine line, your sinking and cant stop, you think no one hears you, your going to simply let go. Then, you finally open your ears. You have to listen, and you hear Him.
My eyes are tearing up now, thinking back on that point. Thinking how blessed I am that I heard. And was broken enough to respond. Hopeless enough, weak enough, and strong enough, all at the same time.

At 19:37, Blogger Kassi said...

It really is amazing...and I can tell that you have a story as well. It always confounds me that some of us grow up with this acceptance of Christ...and others of us have to be pounded before we realize that we need Him. One is not better than the other, just wonderful in diversity. No wonder God never gets bored.

At 08:36, Blogger AfricaBleu said...

Wow - that's all I have to say about that.
Great post - thank you for your honesty.

At 10:53, Anonymous Smito said...

Way to go, Kassi. You do, indeed, rock.

At 09:37, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Congratulations! I am happy that you are being rewsarded for your hard work and that you are in such a better place in your life.



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