Thursday, March 17, 2005


I spent most of last night consoling a sick little girl. She cried for momma and I picked her up and brought her to my bed. She was burning with a fever and not responding to the medicine. She woke me up every hour or so asking for water in her small baby voice. I’m sure if it had been any other reason than sickness I may not have held my patience.

Today she has lain on the couch most of the day, oblivious to much of anything. I gave her more medicine and cuddled her. I gave her a cool bath to clean away the sweat, and bring her temperature down just for a little while. Afterwards she slept some more.

While she sleeps away her fever she is unaware of the fact that I will have to return to work. Today I learned that the extension to my benefits will not be granted, and I will need to go back. This time at home with my children, it seems, will soon be over.

I haven’t been the perfect stay at home mom. It was such a transition from the power worker mentality that I had developed over the past few years. I got that way out of necessity though. Single parenthood is not easy. Sacrifices have to be made. However, I had not realized until I was forced to stay home what sacrifices those were.

My children I found out…need me. They need someone to come home to after school and let them know what they are allowed to have for a snack. They need someone to pick out their clothes, and get their breakfast ready. They need someone to make sure that they wear hats and gloves in cold weather, and that they aren’t dressing like orphans. They need someone to read to them, and cuddle them when they are sick. They need a mom.

Yes, all of those things I have mentioned can find someone else to do…pay a child care provider. But I have learned that there is a huge difference between me and that paid child care provider...they are a stranger, I am not. They will not think to take a picture of them as they head out the door, or listen to them when they are having troubles...or not let Caleb eat all the pudding. All the things that I know are important to them.

It is bittersweet that I should find myself coming full circle to the ideals that I adamantly denied ten years ago regarding stay at home mothers. This time instead fighting the very thought of it…I am aching to embrace what little time I have left.


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