Wednesday, September 28, 2005

I'm No Harry Callahan

I'm actually afraid to go to work tomorrow. Not because I don't like the work. Not because I hate my boss. Not because there is a creepy guy who stares at me through the crack in his cubicle door and makes heavy breathing sounds out of his flaring nostrils.

None of those reasons. Because none of those things are true.

What is true, is that tonight I sat on the streetcurb in front of a police station crying my eyes out until A. a kind stranger came up and asked if I needed help and B. my husband picked me up.

The events leading to my crying in front of the police station are what is scaring me from going to work tomorrow morning.

Simply stated; my children need me home.

In the past 21 days that I have been back to work I the following things have happened:

1. My youngest child was missing, and the police were called.
2. My middle child decided to steal $120 and take it to school.
3. My oldest child was assaulted by a group of kids at the bus stop.

For those of you who just jumped up to grab the phone, he is okay. It was basic stupid kid stuff, but the world is crazy...and what if next time they are mad enough to bring a weapon? That IS the world we live in. I'm not oblivious.

So, when God kicks me in the head 1-2-3. times (yes that is an average of 1 crisis per week), I finally get the picture. I have no business working outside the home when there is so much work that needs to be done AT home.

Think about it: Missing/ Stealing/ Assault. Those aren't little kid words. Those are big scary adult-world words.

I've been so caught up in trying to be "Everything Mom" that I haven't been trusting God to let me just be "Mom". The days of me having to be "Everything Mom" ended when Caleb and I got working outside the home, while nice on the pocketbook, is not feasible for the well being of the family. I get it now. Money is not worth shit unless there is a family (a healthy, in one piece family) to enjoy it.

It won't be easy...and yes, I'll still be making extra money with Mary Kay...but my first job has to be Wife and Mom. Otherwise...what am I really working for?

It's scary, because this afternoon I was really coming to the decision to stay and work the interim assistant job (reporting to the Prez of the company) until it turned into something more substantial...not 5 minutes later I receive a distress call from home.

So--tomorrow I may be going in to get my check and that's it. I don't really feel like playing games of chance with my kids. I don't feel that lucky.


At 21:47, Blogger scott said...

It's noble to do what you think is best in spite if anxiety and fear. I applaud you.

Hello, Kassi.

secret word: sqgqvf (I've got nothing for this. These word verifications are just cruel. One vowel? We can't get one vowel?)

At 21:49, Blogger Kassi said...

All I can come up with is "squid quiver" but i doubt that squids could use arrows...

At 09:48, Blogger SlushTurtle said...

Awww Kassi- you've had a rough month! I'm so sorry. I agree with you though, God does seem to be sending you a message. I'm like you, I don't pick up on the subtle ones, so I usually have to get knocked around a bit before I realize what He's telling me.

And just think how much more time you will have to devote to blogging... tee hee! =)


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