Sunday, August 28, 2005

Up Next: Life as I know it.

Tomorrow my kids start school. Zac in 7th grade, and Abigaille in 3rd. It seems so strange that they are old enough now to be in grades that I remember myself attending.

I’m really open with my children. I believe that having real discussions with them will help to alleviate some of the conflicts [horrors] that I encountered as a child/ teenager.

They know that I don’t want them to smoke, drink, or use drugs. They also know that they are to wait and have sex after they are married. If they ever feel pressured to do any of these things, I have an open door policy.

It is my sincere goal as a mother to never let them experience wondering if I love them, care for them, and want the best for them. I also hope that they know that I trust them.

I say this, but do I practice it? Sometimes I wonder. At the times that I wonder, I turn from my computer and shout out “Zac, do you use drugs?”, and him being used to his crazy mother’s ranting, shouts back “No!”, in the most indignant tone that a 12 year old can muster. And I reply, “you better not EVER use drugs, because why?”…and he replies “Mom, I’m not stupid”…and then I am reassured that yes, my son is okay.

As I sit here writing a blog post, that I am painfully aware takes up too much of my time…I wonder do my children really know that I want to be there for them ALL the time? Even when I am at work? Even when I can’t be here physically…am I really available?

This past year I have had the opportunity to be with them as a stay at home mom. It was good on some levels and extremely difficult on others. But that time is over, and I wonder did I make the best of the time I had? Maybe. I’m not so sure that God gave me this year off to be with my kids or to allow me time to recoup from the crazy schedule that I had been keeping as a single mom for 6 years.

Single motherhood. Now THERE is a topic worth discussing. If I could give single mothers one piece of advice it would simply be…do not live with a man you are not married to. And do not marry a man who does not love your children. [*side note: do not marry a man who would put a gun to your child’s head and taunt them to pull the trigger because they were confiding to you that their friend was going to commit suicide]

Thankfully I have learned from my own mistakes [*and the mistakes of others], and I have married a man that loves my children [*and does not own a gun]. So one duck down…now to get the rest in order.

My kids start school tomorrow, I start school tomorrow, and next week Kimi will be in daycare, and I will be back to work full time. Back to that crazy schedule. Only this time I’m preparing myself…I’ve armed myself with Magnesium and B 12. I hate taking pills, but I hate being tired and overstressed even more.

What’s all this mean? Dinner is in the oven and I have some living to do before 6:00 AM tomorrow morning.


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