Monday, February 21, 2005

Trepidition vs. Elation

I have been unemployed since October 1, 2004. In the time that I have been home I have learned that my kids actually need me. Prior to my unemployment I was a single mom, with no other choice but to work and provide an income so that we would have a place to live and food to eat. The decision was easy.

Now, I am newly married with a very small possibility of staying home, even though that choice would mean that we would not live so comfortably, and sometimes we would not have enough money to cover all of our bills. The possibility of eviction may always be impending, and sometimes we would not have enough food. Is staying home the wise choice?

I have been putting my resume in to a bunch of jobs, and this morning I received about 10 responses from an employer that would be really great to work for--but my feeling was dread and not elation.

My I go to work and ensure that the bills will be paid, or do I stay at home so that my children will have a mom that isn't too tired to spend time with them? Already I know that I am not good at juggling both responsibilities.

I could remain on Medicaid, and government assistance so that I am at least a presence with my kids...or I could go back to work and get us off government assistance and maybe into an actual does one decide which is more important?

Does being a working mom mean I am a bad mom? My youngest will have to go to daycare, and I will have to start the process of finding someone to watch over her, and care for her while I am away. The thought just breaks my heart. Especially after the fiasco that occured the last time with finding a daycare. Imagine how you would feel to learn that your daughter was purposely burned by the daycare you chose...because you had to work.

I know that my story isn't much different than anyone else's. Everyone has to make that choice. It doesn't make the hurt I feel any less though. It just makes the injustice of it even more poignant. It makes me realize that our society, the way that we view things is wrong. I used to have a hardened disrespect for stay at home moms.

Now that I have had a taste of what it is like to stay home with my children...and actually BE a part of their lives...I am scared to go back to work. What will happen to them if I do? I haven't been asked for an interview or anything like that...I might have a heart attack if that happens. I love my kids, and I want to be there for them. I want to the relationship with my kids that I never will have with my own mom. Will I be able to do that if I don't stay home with them? Will we be as close and as loving a family?

All I do know now is that children need thier mothers and fathers involved in all parts of their life. I dont' think that need ever goes away entirely. The thought of not being a part of what they do, makes it hard for me to breathe. Perhaps I have apron strings...but I know that at least while they are here with me, I need those strings as much as they do.


At 15:55, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kassi: Maybe you could get a part time job on the weekends until Kimi starts school to help relieve some of the financial strain. Then after she is in school, you can focus on a career that you are interested in. Just an idea.

At 16:12, Blogger Kassi said...

I have thought of that, however my husband is already working weekends. So that would mean having to find daycare on the weekends as well. I may try to work out something where we work opposite shifts. That would be nice. We will see how it goes.


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