Monday, April 11, 2005


Life is full of enough struggles without me making them up for myself...I seem to have a very hard time with exclusivity.

I find it very frustrating when friends start creating exclusive inner circles amongst each other...barring others from their activities.

I guess I am just the type of person that if you are my friend you are invited...

...or maybe I just don't like to be the one that is excluded.

Either way, when friendships and activities start to resemble that of elementary school playgrounds, I tend to bow out altogether. Playgrounds are places where people get hurt, and I am not sure who came up with that name "Play Ground"...but they were wrong.

Perhaps this is what happens when one is never picked to be on the team for's not MY fault I was slow and uncoordinated.

Kickball easily transitions into dating...once again never picked...I was an extremely late bloomer. I think that I was the only person still playing with Barbies at age 13..[dare I say 14]...and while I had some friends, I was not popular.

I tended to be somewhat of a loner, and the friends that I did have understood my need for complete silliness. My teachers didn't understand me AT ALL...and my parents, well, I never let them know me.

Dating has now transitioned into gaming groups, going out to dinner, or the movies, card games and etc...sometimes I am invited, sometimes not. And when I find out that I am not, I am transported back to my feelings of inadequacy as a child left out.

I want to shake my fists and shout "hey what about me?"...or "hey whats wrong with me?"...always searching for acceptance in an unaccepting world. But instead, I turtle and go into my shell...where it is safe and cozy, and I have all of my books and writing implements...I even have a Barbie or two.

It amaze myself sometimes in regards to the company I keep...some of which are unforgivingly unaccepting of others.

I have always been ultra sensitive to this...and have always been affected by the very thought of hurting another person out of unprovoked malice...

Suffice it to say, that a lot of people really don't know me...they only see the shell...


At 07:13, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Take a chance. There are some very wonderful, non-judgmental people out there. I know its difficult, but worth it. I just took a chance. I was very, very blessed.



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