Prosaic Poppy 2005-2006

Hōdee Zahaas: Healthcare rant

2009-09-22T09:10:00.000-05:00

Hōdee Zahaas: Healthcare rant

Scale

2006-01-10T11:57:00.000-05:00

I bought a scale only to find that I have not GAINED any weight; it just MOVED to my butt.

Snoog Logic

2006-01-10T09:33:00.000-05:00

Roxy has a tail

Tangerine has a tail

Dragons have tails

Roxy and Tangerine are dragons

Mean Mom

2006-01-09T17:32:00.000-05:00

I'm a mean mother. I'm serious.

My children's chore list is as follows:

Put the clean dishes away
Vacuum when asked
set the table before dinner
clear the table after dinner
Put the clean clothes away
Keep their rooms clean
Clean the bathrooms once a week
Scoop the cat box every day
Walk the dog once a day

My son, for the most part, has no problem with his portion of the chores. My daughter on the other hand...not happy with what has been delegated to her.

I wonder if she would rather have MY list of chores?

Probably not a good idea...the checkbook is already screwed up enough as it is.

30 days

2006-01-09T11:30:00.000-05:00

I am no good at sticking to self guided goals. My energy, my attention, my drive is inspired by short bursts of energy, not longevity.

I'm still trying to kick my Coke habit. It's hard though...that red and white bottle is so enticing.

I heard once that it takes 30 days to form a new habit. As I wobble through my beginners pilates workout, I wonder if they meant 30 consecutive days, or can they be stretched out over a year.

The Guilt of it All

2006-01-09T08:27:00.000-05:00

When I was a single mom, working full time out of the home, I felt guilty.

Guilty because my job kept me away from them. Guilty because when I was home, I was tired. Guilty because I couldn't do or be there as much for them as I know I should have.

Now that I am a stay at home mom I don't experience as much guilt regarding my children, though sometimes I wonder if I am really good at being a stay at home mom. But a new guilt has come in to take the old guilts place...

Guilty because my husband has to financially support 5 people on his own. Guilty because I spent the last 4 years in college to earn a degree that I am essentially not using. Guilty because I feel I am being sedentary rather than active.

I'm not sure why I feel guilty. Taking care of our home is plenty of work, definitely not easy.

Random Thought: I am a little afraid of buying a house, only to find out that it is haunted. That would suck.

Networks

2006-01-08T15:33:00.000-05:00

There is something indefineably, and undeniably powerful feeling in having ones own network. Even if you did decide to give it a goofy name.

Reminder to Self

2006-01-08T01:49:00.000-05:00

Never make "extra bean" chili if you intend to remain locked into a seated position for more than 4 hours. Eventually, air build up will find the quickest escape route and try to utilize said route as much as possible.

Maintaining diligence in preventing said unauthorized escapes while in the presence of company leads to painful cramping.

That is all.

Cheeky Geocaching

2006-01-06T19:07:00.000-05:00

In order to retrieve my good mood in regards to the long winter ahead, I decided that I would take the kids out to do some geocaching in our area. I found a park that had two caches, as well as clues to a few other caches in a park nearby. So I printed out the coordinates, and then we clambered into the van and took off.

The first cache wasn't as easy as I had thought...and about 10 minutes after our arrival at the park, my fingers were numb and the Snoog was whimpering about being cold. It was at this time I realized that no one had had a potty break before leaving the house...and the park restrooms were closed for the winter. I knew I was working on borrowed time.

I brought the camera in hopes to get one good shot to document our little adventure, but the GPS decided that its batteries were low, so I had to make an executive decision. Camera or GPS. Without the GPS there was really little point in us being out there freezing our patooties off, so the camera took one for the team

We fervently looked for our prize, which was a micro cache, and happened to be a clue to finding a cache in another park...different coordinates. We logged the information, and then made our way back to the van. After warming up a bit, we decided to see if we could find the second cache in this park. I admit....I cheated. I drove around until I came fairly close to the coordinates in which the cache was hidden.

But with a three year old who may have to go pee at any second...I was all about doing what I could to make it fast and simple. Thankfully it worked. I ended up finding a parking spot about 100 yards from where the cache was hidden.

As my son fished the tupperware container out of the base of a hollow tree, the Snoog suddenly knocked her knees together and exclaimed that she had to GOOOO PEEEEE PEEEE MA MA!!!

Here we are, out in the middle of a wooded area at a popular park in our home town...no potty in sight. The trees and bramble stretched out before me indicating there would be no way I could make it to the nearest restaurant in time. I did what I had to. I sat her over the edge of an old stump. The poor child got initiated in the out door potty experience in 28 degree weather. Suffice it to say her top cheeks and her bottom cheeks were the same color within a matter of seconds.

After we put the container back in the tree, with our pieces of treasure added, I decided that we should hold off on the other park...and headed straight for the cafe for some hot cocoa. The Snoog had been a trooper throughout the whole experience, not crying once, and in fact informing me that she likes treasure hunting. Even if her cheeks do get a little pink.

I'm sure that when she is 15 she will appreciate that I didn't have a working camera on hand.

January

2006-01-06T09:31:00.000-05:00

You are cold. grey. bleak.

You sprawl out before me in an endless string of unrealized moments. Like a pregnant gray cat waiting to be scratched, waiting to scratch back.

You look old, haggard. But you are actually very young. The illusion is so deceiving that I forget that I celebrated your arrival just a few days ago.

The upcoming months loom before me, a blank slate of uncertainty. I have to face them. Live them. But how?

But the couch and my pajamas look so much more friendly.

Perhaps I'll wait until May emerges. May is a playful kitten; and I'll be ready by then.

This Just In

2006-01-05T14:03:00.000-05:00

"Women don't want money...they just want a man to listen to what they want..."

-Abby (age 8)

Zombie Montage

2006-01-05T13:30:00.000-05:00

2 a.m.

Wake up from dreaming about a date night with my husband that includes a swank restaurant, strange hor 'dourves, and a dance sequence featuring Michael Jackson's "Thriller". I couldn't get the dance steps down right...and none of my friends would get up there with me. Chumps.

4 a.m.

Wake up from dreaming about being a wife to a man in an influential family whose sons are all plotting to kill their father (who is actually a pretty decent guy). After an inaugerational ceremony on the pier, with lots of food and champagne; an explosion sends me flying into the ocean off the pier. As I sink below the surface I learn that there is an underwater zombie society.

7 a.m.

Wake up from dreaming about shopping for interesting food items at Trader Joe's (my current favorite food store), where shoppers are standing in abnormally long lines in zombie-like trances. I purchase my items, and Kimi slips away from me out the door into the parking lot...the cars are moving too fast to see her...

7:15 a.m.

I decide I will no longer snack on Pringles and French onion dip while watching zombie movies before going to bed.

Neverwhere

2006-01-05T00:24:00.000-05:00

I read this book in less than a day...it was fast paced, and just too extremely interesting to put down.

If you have some time to kill and want to read something completely different than anything you have read before...Neverwhere is for you.

Back in the Saddle

2006-01-04T11:20:00.000-05:00

Well, the plague has passed. Caleb is back to work today...the kids are their normal selves, and I have enough spark in me to look around and realize that my house is a total disaster and I should DO something about it.

I don't let the place get in this condition very often, and I suppose extreme illness counts as an excuse.

On the upside, I have 3 of Santa's little helpers here to lend a hand. This of course will not bode well with my children who are taking full advantage of the word "vacation". Unfortunately for them, they have a mother who is able to unscramble the word "vacation" and create the words "spring cleaning".

So...I'm off to wake them up and break the good news. Wish me luck.

Good for Something

2006-01-03T12:08:00.000-05:00

Last night I found out that my noisey, smokey neighbors kick out a really strong wireless internet connection which saves me from having to buy a wireless router of my own.

Go figure.

Update: After doing some research, and a friendly tip from Scott...I will be purchasing my own router tomorrow. I'm not going to bank on my neighbors stupidity...no matter how many times I have asked them to turn down their stereo.

One Thing at a Time

2006-01-03T11:46:00.000-05:00

"I'm a BIG GIRL...I wear BIG GIRL PANTIES!!!"

she yells adamantly in her biggest "big girl" voice.

As though, a pair of underwear and the ability to control ones bowels gives her free license to do as she pleases.

If only it were that easy. Life is full of little disappointments kid...

Getting on With It

2006-01-02T22:41:00.000-05:00

At 7:00 PM this evening, I decided to stop feeling like a substance reminiscent of dog puke and get out of bed.

If only my will would be so strong when faced with Moosetracks ice cream.

Death Warmed Over

2006-01-02T16:50:00.000-05:00

It is official. I am totally, utterly, completely, undeniably, sick.

I haven't left the couch for the past two days. Rendered useless.

Which totally sucks more than usual because this is the first vacation my husband has had in a long time.

The sad thing is that I am too achey to sleep. So, here I lay...with my eyes rolled half way to the back of my head, moaning.

Of course, maybe it is a good thing that my eye lids are not working properly...the house, I am sure, is in a state of disaster that I probably would not want to see right now.

I'm rolling over now...hence the sickly glow of my computer screen will no longer be able to illuminate my face. Even that hurts my eyes right now.

Pathetic.

Met Her Match

2006-01-01T19:38:00.000-05:00

Our Vacation

2006-01-01T18:04:00.000-05:00

Our Christmas Vacation became somewhat reminiscent of a Lampoon movie the moment we lost the map before we hit the Pennsylvania turnpike; a little more than half way to our destination. Definitely too far to go back. This should have been my warning sign of things yet to come.

As per the typical male trait, my husband would have rather fiddled around with a complex GPS (while driving) than stop off and buy a road map. So....the trip to MD was punctuated with numerous "requests" to "stop messing with the damn GPS and keep your hands (and eyes) on the road." Might I add that Pennsylvania is a rather hilly, if not mountainous region in which many twists and turns are encountered. I was white knuckling it most the way, and am the first to admit that my prayers were more colorful than usual.

Thankfully, my husband graced me with his trust and took my word that the Ohio turnpike turns directly into the Pennsylvania turnpike saving us about 2 hours in drive time because the GPS would not route us on toll roads. (Thank goodness for my photographic short term memory)

We arrived at around 7:00 in the evening, otherwise unscathed. Even though I didn't have any songs on my iPod yet. Even though I couldn't pick up an internet connection to save my life.

The next few days went something like this:

Wednesday: Birthday party/ Abby vomits all night
Thursday: Washington D.C. (a drive saved by the iPod god...I actually didn't care if we got lost...the scenery was awesome and made better by its very own soundtrack)
Friday: Geocaching (geocaching ROCKS)/ Dinner with grammy and grampy/ Snoog projectile vomits and poops on herself and everything she is in contact with all night resulting in several bed sheet changes...
Saturday: We depart, leaving behind us the rancid smell of bile and general putridness.

Yay for the Gilberts, lovely people...just be prepared to fumigate upon their departure. To date, ALL of our vacations have had a distinct wretched smell in which to associate them by. Someday, I'll make that list. And yes, I blame it on my husband and his fascination with farting (which apparently is a hereditary trait).

The entire time was highlighted by the Snoog and M. J.'s relentless rivalry. She is every bit GIRL as he is BOY. And neither one is a quitter. I can honestly (almost) say that I can't wait until they are older so that I can retell the stories of how they behaved with each other when they were little. It was an endearing sort of madness that made you want to giggle as you pulled your hair out. I truly believe that a parent of a preschooler invented NyQuil.

The best part was being trapped in an enclosed trampoline with two of them. I was left alone to watch over them as all the other adults ran errands... I believe that the neighbors must have mistook my cries for help as laughter as I tried to claw my way out and away from Thing 1 and Thing 2. At least...that is what I hope. And I am not too proud to admit that they kicked my butt from here to tomorrow on the trampoline. I have scars, both mental and physical.

Actually, the two tots were a great source of entertainment all week...except when mine was puking. Okay...even then. I love that they get along so well. And I am looking forward to them being buddies when they are older as well.

Anyway...I made sure to load up my iPod to survive the trip back...and regardless of what the insolent GPS says, I tried to smile and nod as my hubby took us off route for the millionth time because my mix includes Depechhe Mode, Journey, The Toadies, and Queensryche.

However, my husband did have a final meltdown on the way home...Ohio does it to us Michiganders EVERY time. I'm not for certain that they purposely create road traps for us wolverines, but I am also not certain that they don't. At any rate, somewhere between I-280 and I-75 on highway 795 my husband had had enough of the two female voices (one from the GPS and my own) telling him what to do, confusing his already directionally challenged mind to the point of no return.

It must have been a moment of lucidity that made him realize that if he didn't listen to the real woman he would end up having to take cold comfort from a GPS on New Year's Eve instead of cuddling with his wife...(i.e. I won), and dangit if I wasn't right.

GPS is great, but can't anticipate detours and road construction...or crazy Ohio road traps. Take that beeyotch.

Anyway...we made it back home...and miraculously no one threw up or pooped themselves in the car. Myself included. But considering the way our stomachs were acting up...you still wouldn't have wanted to be there. Thank goodness for automatic windows.

All is well now of course. Not to mention the cat practically had a coronary upon our return. Her people came back and she is all full of cuddles. I think that she gained a few pounds as she got into and ate two entire containers of cat treats. And part of the living room had been dismantled. At least there were no kitty "surprises" waiting for me in my bed. I have had enough of poop and vomit for a while; human or otherwise.

On the up side, it was awesome to see Calebs moms side of the family again. M made the best breakfasts, K was a gracious (and patient hostess). Not to mention S was a wonderful babysitter, and J was cool about giving up his room (though I did warn him open the windows a bit before reinhabiting)...I just wish we hadn't brought the plague with us so that they will invite us back.

Happy New Year!

2006-01-01T01:08:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year!!!

So glad to be home...

Resolutions: 0

More later about our trip!

Love and God Bless,

Kassi

Jeep Jeep

2005-12-28T17:39:00.000-05:00

Having an Apple is like owning a Jeep. People in the stores may not have secret hand signals as they pass each other,(yet), but they do have that same nirvana-like look of ascension in their eyes as they peruse the antiseptic white counters laden with high-tech gadgetry that is obviously over-priced, but oh so delectible to the techno-geek touch.

Apple users are a different breed. Just like Jeep drivers. A different sort of visionary.

I feel like I am standing at the door; just about to tap into my latent Gen X rebel. Next week I intend to get the full initiation. Until then, I don't feel worthy to put the little Apple decal on the mini-van denoting my membership.

Here We Go

2005-12-27T02:16:00.000-05:00

In approximately 5 hours I will find myself as a passenger in the mini-van bound for MD. It's that time of year...where we have decided (at the very last minute) to make the 8 hour trek to visit my husbands mothers side of the family. (And by very last minute I mean we remained undecided until about 3 hours ago)

We got home tonight at about 9:30, after having spent some quality time with my dear grandma and then mall shopping for my laptop computer, which I am not able to use yet by the way--but it is frikkin sweet regardless.

Anyway... 9:30 is way to late to BEGIN post Christmas cleaning, laundry, and packing. I don't care how what you say.

So now, here I am at 2:20, waiting to put that last load of laundry in the dryer...because yes folks...I won't leave on a trip without my house being clean. Sorry, I AM that lame.

Now if I can only survive the packing of the mini-van. (My husband is the sort who was probably never good at Tetris--I however, am a champ)

P.S. I am totally freaked out that I bought an Apple computer and not a Dell. I am not sure how to navigate the Apple...and I started to have a panic attack earlier. But that is typical of me when confronted with something alien. I wish I could pinpoint the moment in time that I became such a fraidy cat and then go back and skip over that part.

A Christmas Story

2005-12-25T02:05:00.000-05:00

Tonight, as I stood in church holding a candle along with the many others in our sanctuary; singing Silent Night; I came to realize that nothing can hold a candle to the fact that Jesus was born a man, to die for mans salvation. A tiny baby. The beauty is love and joy all rolled into these moments; the moment he took his first breath and the moment he expelled his last.

As you celebrate Christmas, I pray that you will remember that this day is so much more than gifts and wrapping paper. And that your celebration is filled with many moments of love and joy rolled into one.

Please read this post by Becky at pith, marrow, and coffee spoons for a beautiful Christmas story.

A Very Merry Christmas to All You Whos

2005-12-25T01:56:00.000-05:00

HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS
by
Dr Seuss

Every Who
Down in Who-ville
Liked Christmas a lot...
But the Grinch,
Who lived just North of Who-ville,
Did NOT!
The Grinch hated Christmas!
The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were to tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
But,
Whatever the reason,
His heart or his shoes,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the Whos,
Staring down from his cave with a sour, Grinchy frown
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For he knew every Who down in Who-ville beneath
Was busy now, hanging a mistleoe wreath.
"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...
...All the Who girls and boys
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the Whos, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would start on Who-pudding, and rare Who-roast-beast
Which was something the Grinch couldn't stand in the least!
And THEN
They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Whos would start singing!
They'd sing! And they'd sing!
AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more the Grinch thought of the Who-Christmas-Sing
The more the Grinch thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
"Why for fifty-three years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop Christmas from coming!
...But HOW?"
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE GRINCH
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" The Grinch Laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Grinchy trick!
"With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like Saint Nick!"
"All I need is a reindeer..."
The Grinch looked around.
But since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Grinch...?
No! The Grinch simply said,
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"
So he called his dog Max. Then he took some red thread
And he tied a big horn on top of his head.
THEN
He loaded some bags
And some old empty sacks
On a ramshackle sleigh
And he hitched up old Max.
Then the Grinch said, "Giddyap!"
And the sleigh started down
Toward the homes where the Whos
Lay a-snooze in their town.
All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Whos were all dreaming sweet dreams without care
When he came to the first house in the square.
"This is stop number one," The old Grinchy Claus hissed
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.
Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.
But if Santa could do it, then so could the Grinch.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue
Where the little Who stockings all hung in a row.
"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
Pop guns! And bicycles! Roller skates! Drums!
Checkerboards! Tricycles! Popcorn! And plums!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Grinch, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!
Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Whos' feast!
He took the Who-pudding! He took the roast beast!
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
Why, that Grinch even took their last can of Who-hash!
Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned the Grinch, "I will stuff up the tree!"
And the Grinch grabbed the tree, and he started to shove
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Who!
Little Cindy-Lou Who, who was not more than two.
The Grinch had been caught by this little Who daughter
Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
She stared at the Grinch and said, "Santy Claus, why,
"Why are you taking our Christmas tree? WHY?"
But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Santy Claus lied,
"There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side.
"So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear.
"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."
And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head
And he got her a drink and he sent he to bed.
And when Cindy-Lou Who went to bed with her cup,
HE went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!
Then the last thing he took
Was the log for their fire.
Then he went up the chimney himself, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks, and some wire.
And the one speck of food
The he left in the house
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.
Then
He did the same thing
To the other Whos' houses
Leaving crumbs
Much too small
For the other Whos' mouses!
It was quarter past dawn...
All the Whos, still a-bed
All the Whos, still a-snooze
When he packed up his sled,
Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!
Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount Crumpit,
He rode to the tiptop to dump it!
"Pooh-pooh to the Whos!" he was grinch-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"The all the Whos down in Who-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!"
"That's a noise," grinned the Grinch,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And the Grinch put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...
But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared down at Who-ville!
The Grinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any presents at all!
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"
And what happened then...?
Well...in Who-ville they say
That the Grinch's small heart
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
And he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!
And he...
...HE HIMSELF...!
The Grinch carved the roast beast!

Doodled

2005-12-24T18:08:00.000-05:00

Today she received a "Doodle Bear" for Christmas from grandpa.

It came with markers.

I, in a moment of sheer stupidity, gave her the bear and the markers while we drove home from our visit. Apparently failing to explain that the doodling is suppose to be on the bear, and not the snoog. But who am I to hinder her artistic expression?

On the bright side, she isn't making a hideous face at me as the camera flashes.

1 Year of Birthdays

2005-12-24T10:43:00.000-05:00

Well, I did it. Personal goal for 2005 accomplished, well almost. I tried to send every person I know a birthday card, this year.

It has always been something I wanted to be able to do...but of course never did. The "simple" act of sending cards (hence remembering) for birthdays has always eluded me. Too busy.

But not this year. I was determined.

I have to report that it was in fact, not easy.

Thankfully, I put everyone's birthday on my hotmail calendar, and I was sent reminders 5 days in advance for most birthdays...however for some of them I was not sent a reminder, and some cards and or presents were sent late.

Overall I think that I missed 2 birthdays, and for those two people, I am so very very sorry. I will do better in 2006.

I have been considering making cards this coming year. Just to add a personal touch to the act of giving them. However, I am not sure I am up to the task of making 150 birthday cards...no matter how you spread them out over the course of 12 months.

All I can say for this past years goal: Hallmark loves me.

Best for Last

2005-12-23T19:06:00.000-05:00

Today I've scrubbed and baked.
So that tonight I can relax and play a game or two.

I decided to try out a new recipe...one that requires home made frosting.

Everything is set, I'm dressed and clean. Ready to go...and the last thing to do is make that frosting.

As the confectioners suger took on a life of it's own, my black sweater a perfect backdrop for a winter night scene,I realized that I saved the messiest job for last.

This recipe courtesy of Kim.

Sisters

2005-12-22T17:34:00.000-05:00

Having sisters isn’t easy.
Half the time they drive me crazy.
One is eight and one is three,
All they do is pick on me.
They get into my room
And pull out all my stuff.
Having two younger sisters is really really rough.
Yes I have two sisters,
Not just one but two.
I try to hide but they still find me,
What am I to do?
My parents want another baby.
At least that’s what they said.
If they have another girl,
I would rather be dead.
But when that time comes,
And if they have a boy,
I will smile and laugh and sing and dance
All around for joy.
But there is a fifty-fifty chance
That luck is not on my side.
So I’ll just go to my room now
And sit in the dark and hide.

By Zac G. (my son)

The Other Child

2005-12-22T12:15:00.000-05:00

Growing up as the step child in the family was never much fun for me; imagine a step grandmother that while hugging you would camouflage a rather hurtful pinch in her embrace, purposely put mushrooms in your food, or giving the "real" grandchildren nicer gifts at the Christmastime.

It was one of the main reasons that if I should ever get married again, my youngest daughter would have to be adopted by my husband. There is nothing in the world that can replace that sense of belonging that every child needs.

And while I do not worry very much about it for my two older children; as their father is still active in their lives, I did worry about it for my youngest.

However, my husband did adopt my youngest daughter. His name will be on her birth certificate, and with a name change it has all been made official.

Except...

there will still be differences.

I most recently observed this difference as my two oldest children took gift after gift out of the large boxes that they received from their father's side of the family, and put them under the tree.

My littlest one looked around with and expression of bewilderment and excitement, exclaiming "Where's my presents?!"..."Is this one for me?!"

And the look of dejection in her eyes, when one after the other, I said "no honey...that one is for Zac...or Abby."

Zac and Abby's dad was gracious enough to send the Snoog a couple of packages, and for that I am thankful. Nor would I begrudge my two older children the relationship that they have with their father, as I know it is very important to them. But I know that as she gets older she will wonder at why her brother and sister receive more than she does.

Today, another box came for my two older children. Again from thier father's side of the family. And the Snoog, in her little girl resolve exclaimed "Those are from Santa!"

I waited until she was out of the room to unbox the packages and quickly-quietly put them under the tree while wistfully taking inventory in my head on what she will be receiving from us this year. Certainly not the same amount of presents I am sure. But at the very least I know that she is part of a family that loves her...and will not have to suffer the experiences that I did as the other child.

Perhaps later in life, she will know that she received more than she could ever understand at the tender age of three.

Until that time, I know better than to open packages received in the mail before Christmas Eve.

Neverending Story

2005-12-21T17:27:00.000-05:00

"And as he spoke, He no longer looked to them like a lion: but the things that began to happen after that were so great and beautiful that I cannot write them. And for us this is the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All thier life in this world and all thier adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on for ever: in which ever chaper is better than the one before".
-C.S. Lewis

The Chronicles of Narnia: Loved it.

Miss Priss

2005-12-21T15:49:00.000-05:00

Reminding me that nothing could possibly be more fascinating than herself.

Yesterday Was Plain Awful...

2005-12-21T14:46:00.000-05:00

Me, couch, book, fireplace.

That's about it. That is about all I could muster as the headache and nausea coursed through my body.

In the meantime, seeing my weakend state, the three year old and the cat took over the house; and by the time everyone was piling in from work and school, the house took on an appearance that indeed a three year old and a cat had been running the show.

Toys of every variety everywhere. Not to mention crayon bits, cracker bits, and an orange peel (We don't even have oranges right now).

My husband of course was forewarned, but that didn't prevent the fight that occured starting at 10:00 PM and ending at 11:30 PM. Which included a sweatshirt being flung at his head because I had already thrown and broken the tea pot a while ago.

(Which reminds me I need to pick up more inexpensive tchotchke to set about the house for these moments)

I finally settled down when he (upon his own initiative) took out the vacuum and started vacuuming.

Then we talked. We talked about how the children are not very helpful. And that they need to have more respect for the house, for us. And it finally hit me...the real problem. 1. we aren't working together, 2. we aren't leading by example.

By midnight we came up with a plan, and an agreement. It was like the clouds had parted and rays of sunlight were streaming down up0n us from above. Angels were singing I am sure of it. We had a break-through.
And that is saying a lot since our skulls are very very thick. (just ask the tea pot)

So, today started out with me understanding why my husband is so up tight about money. Perhaps it is the year he spent living in Detroit often without heat, or food, during his first year of college, until he figured out how to budget. He'll tell you about how he had ice in his shoes, and that for one entire week he only had an apple pie to eat; rationing one or two thin slices a day.

He finally realized why I cannot relax in a messy house, and that I do not necessarily want things "spotless". Just neat and presentable in the event Home and Gardens would like to stop by. He also realized that fighting with me over taking out the garbage (which has been a complete REALITY for the past 2 years-I've never met a man so set against taking out the trash in all my life) presents to the children that we are not united, and so why should they listen to us?

So...we agreed we need rules with concrete consequences. Written rules tacked up all over the house...so that there is no mistaking what will happen if you leave your book bags and outer wear laying all over the place (or heaven forbid your dead socks). But that means we must follow our own rules. Damn continuity.

Under Construction

2005-12-20T13:36:00.000-05:00

I've been considering a revamp of this blog for quite some time. And I think that the New Year will be a good time for it. So friends, look for a big change in the very near future.
Because, well...it isn't all about me now is it?

-Kassi

How the Penguins Saved Christmas

2005-12-20T10:23:00.000-05:00

My daughter, Abby, came home one day after school to announce that she was going to be in a Christmas program at school. She was very excited and she said that she was going to try out for the lead part.

"Wonderful", I said. "I hope that you get it. You will just have to practice."

She came home almost every day for a month telling me one thing or another about her Christmas program. One day she came home really upset, and upon my careful prodding (careful because if I do not tread cautiously I'll likely not get my fingers back), she tearfully let me know that she would not be the lead penguin.

I felt bad for her, because I know that she strives to be the center of attention, in the limelight on so many levels. Partly because she is a big ham, but mostly because I see she has budding insecurities. All of which I will be very ineffective in strengthening against because as she gets older she is more convicted in her own individuality...in spite of mom.
She is the one who will be less likely to believe me when I tell her she is beautiful, smart and wonderful.

So, I hugged her and asked if she would still be taking part in the play. She said "yes" that she had a few lines, and there would be plenty of singing. Which she loves.

During the course of the past few weeks I heard stories of how the teachers were being demanding, making the kids practice. I helped her get her costume ready. And generally just listened.

Last night was the big night.

It was fabulous to see 50 third graders dressed as penguins, singing, and saying their lines perfectly.

I know that the teachers put a lot of work into the program, directing these children to put on a show for their parents and siblings. I know that the Snoog enjoyed it, especially when she saw her big sister up there singing.

I'm glad that Abby didn't get too discouraged that she didn't get the lead part in the program, and I hope that she knows she will always be lead penguin in our family.

Snooged

2005-12-19T23:11:00.000-05:00

Okay, let's try this again...

Take another one mama....do it again!

Okay, but this time smile...1...2...3!

No...come on...this time smile for the camera...1...2...3!

Do it again mama...one more time!

Okay...but this time give me a nice smile...1..2...3!

Okay kid. You got me.

Here's a Stamp, Merry Christmas.

2005-12-19T17:08:00.000-05:00

Today was meant to be sitting on my butt painting ornaments and perhaps a little reading. But it was not.

I did do some painting. But afterwards I was off to the post office to mail out Christmas presents to some family members out of state.

It WOULD be typical of me to pick the busiest mailing day of the year to amble into the post office. Thankfully the girls weren't too full of distraction, so the 45 minute wait wasn't as harrowing as it could have been.

But dang...the postage to send was almost as much as the present!

Santa's Workshop

2005-12-18T19:31:00.000-05:00

This is the week that I start doing my craft projects for Christmas, if I am going to do them at all. The kids and I stocked up on paint, wooden ornaments, and etc. today, laid everything out, and started to get to work.

The four of us actually had a moment of peace, and relative good spirits as we painted together. It was nice.

Then reality hit, and I realized how late it had become...and we still without dinner, would soon be grumpy. The dinner I had planned was going to take too long, and I didn't realize this until it was far past my temper tantrum. I relinquished my resolve to not order out, and ordered pizza anyway.

I'll make the big dinner tomorrow.

At least my kitchen will remain clean, and we can get back to our painting. That was the point of today anyway. I may as well go with it.

I wonder, during the busy season...does Santa order a lot of pizza? I wouldn't doubt it. THIS Mrs. Claus is too tired to cook.

Next...Birthdays!

2005-12-17T19:53:00.000-05:00

Well, it's done. I am FINALLY completely done with my Christmas shopping. My husband has declared that he is NOT finished. But I AM *does a little dance*.

This means that I will NOT be out shopping with all the other losers on Christmas Eve. (I can safely say this, because I have been a Christmas Eve shopper for the past 5 years).

Trust me, the selection at Meijer at 5:00 PM on Christmas Eve is dismal.
(They close at 6:00)

Que the ducks Brando, 2005).

Meijer: Christmas Eve 2003 The only way I can enter a Meijer store is to arm myself with a bullet proof list. Armed and ready, I venture in. I know exactly what I want to give my children, and Meijer is the only place open at this time of night. I rue the thought of having to go home and wrap presents, but since I had to work, and then wait for someone to watch the kids...now is the time.

I am tooling down the toy aisle chucking the items into my cart, checking them off of my list. Things are going well for the first few minutes. Then it happens. They do not have the one item that will surely put this Christmas on the map of best Christmases ever. In fact they do not have anything remotely comparable to replace it with.

Here is where I begin my descent.

Because they do not have exactly what I have painstakingly wrote on my list...my mind goes blank and for the next two hours I am officially a vagrant walking aimlessly around the Meijer store dropping items into my cart.

Security is definitely watching me as the tower of items gets bigger and bigger. Certainly the vacant look in my eyes indicates that I am going to bypass the checkout counters and bolt out the doors with one coveted item that I have sleighted under my many layers of clothes.

See...since I had to alter my thinking, I have lost track of what I was suppose to be buying. And in an attempt to cleverly alternate items to replace my original plan, I have once again fallen into the Meijer trap. I buy much more than I need, to make up for what surely would have been the best present ever.

Meijer knows this. Meijer secretly watches me write my list and then evil Meijer Minions set out to remove the precious ONE GIFT and any plausible substitutes that would fulfil my quest.

I'm not kidding.

****

So...THIS YEAR I have been able to completely elude the Meijer trap. I have driven up and down and all around to purposely avoid stepping into the "convenient" one stop Meijer department store. Instead I have made several small trips to Target. Where at least I can "feel" that they are not trying to make me buy more than I need, and their selection is not purposely plotting against me and my list.

Now I can attend to the eight birthdays and one anniversary that will need recognizing in the next 2 weeks. (Thatplus baking, sewing, and painting all my crafty gifts) Thank goodness for online shopping and free delivery.

It feels kind of nice. I am not sure why I didn't do this before...

Of course, next year if my wits are about me, I will probably do most of my shopping online. I think that I am totally demystified on the whole "holiday shopping experience" once and for all.

Except maybe with Target.

Baby steps people. Baby steps.

Random Fact

2005-12-15T22:08:00.000-05:00

When I was in the third grade I had my tonsils removed. The surgeon commented that they were the largest tonsils he had ever seen and asked me if I would like to keep them.

I said "yes". Perhaps a little too enthusiastically. I barely paid attention to the look my mom gave me. I was never good at reading social cues as a child.

They were placed in a jar of formaldehyde and I kept them for a while, even brought them to school for show and tell. I DID notice the look my teacher gave me; which confirmed my insecurities and shattered my delicate self-induced delusions of normalcy. I was an odd child. No denying it.

Mind you, my third grade teacher could walk on water as far as I was concerned. The fact that she had a full grown pine tree named "Clyde" in her classroom did not in the least tip me off that she was a bit of an oddball herself.

Perhaps if I had named them, she would have been more accepting of my pet tonsils.

I lost interest in them after that, but did not throw them away.

I found them years later in my closet under a pile of clothes and toys, still in the jar, but disintigrated into gray-brown snot clumps. It was awful. I decided to throw them away, or risk having nightmares. I saw "The Blob" I knew what happened when science projects go horribly awry.

To this day, I can honestly say that I do not have tonsils. I promise.

Always a Bride, Never a Bridesmaid...until now.

2005-12-15T21:51:00.000-05:00

I have been asked to marry 4 times.

Most people have a hard time getting asked once.

I don't think it is because there is anything spectacular about me, except that I know how to cook. Apparently this has been important to the men that I have found myself in company with over the course of my adult life.

Getting asked to marry has been easy. Getting asked to stand in someone else's wedding has eluded me until today.

I had destined myself to never be a bridesmaid. I have actually been envious of a friend who has appeared in over 10 weddings. How can that happen?

However, tonight the tables have turned. I have been asked! I've never stood in a wedding except for my own. I hope I don't screw it up by sneezing, or what if I have an itch? I guess I shouldn't think of those things right now or else I will make myself a nervous wreck...the wedding is still 8 months away.

I'm really happy about this. I'm honored that she asked me. I hope that I can be there for my friend during the most important experience of her life...(aside from passing the bar exam). I hope that when things get crazy (and they will) she knows that I will wear whatever she tells me to wear. It's her day.

Light at the End

2005-12-15T15:36:00.000-05:00

I've managed to squeeze all of my Christmas shopping into this past week, and I am happy to say that I am completely finished with Caleb and the kids. At this point, everything else can wait until next week. So maybe, just maybe I can actually relax this weekend for a little while.

Of course, I haven't sent my Christmas cards out yet. I'm holding out until tomorrow when there is a chance I will be picking up some photos to insert into the cards. I'm not holding my breath though. I have not managed a single year to put photos in the Christmas cards. But all 70 of them are addressed, and soon to be stamped.

The weather today has been beautiful. That is to say if you are sitting on the warm side of a large picture window overlooking rolling hills and trees. However if one is driving around, the snow and slush are not so great.

I'm glad to be in for the night though. Or at least until Abby's Christmas play and a possible trip to Starbucks for some stellar hot cocoa. But for now...these few moments. The light has arrived, and no one expects anything from me for at least 5 minutes.

I KNEW IT!!

2005-12-15T09:40:00.000-05:00

You Belong in Paris

Stylish and a little sassy, you were meant for Paris.

The art, the fashion, the wine, the men!

Whether you're enjoying the cafe life or a beautiful park...

You'll love living in the most chic place on earth.

What City Do You Belong In?

Me vs. Trust

2005-12-14T15:17:00.000-05:00

My inner skeptic has kicked in to full gear. My trust issues span beyond the far reaches of the universe. I am trust issues.

I just watched my car being towed away for the second time in 3 weeks; it will not start.

I called the mechanic. He informed me that it could be any number of things, and he'll have to make a diagnosis. That means I will have to entrust my car to his hands once again.

I hate not knowing. Moving blindly along. Nodding my head, but really meaning "no don't hurt me".

So, I called the Saturn dealership to get a quote on a refurbished engine. Something that I should have done before investing all that cash to an unknown mechanic in the first place. *kick* *kick* *kick*

So, once more I am trying to let go and trust.

He has it all worked out. He has it all worked out. He has it all worked out. Breathe in breathe out. Breathe in breathe out.

***
Update: The mechanic replaced my battery free of charge. Apparently my old battery was the original from 5 years ago. It was living on borrowed time.

Tangerine's Hunt

2005-12-14T13:30:00.000-05:00

I won't look at the ball...I won't look at the ball...I won't look at the ball...

Gah!! I got you nefarious fiend; foul temptress of dangling and mockery!

Hmmph! Is that all you got?. Perhaps I should explore a bit more...

Just as I suspected!! This whole place is festooned with evil taunting dangly bits.

I give you the evil glare; and reserve the right to bite you at will.

This is all well and good, but I sense a glorious prey, one that will make my hunts legendary....

I will ever be known as "Tangerine, Tamer of the Loathsome Baubled Tree!"

It is hidden well, but I shall perservere.

GLORY...It. will. be. mine.

Santa

2005-12-14T12:10:00.000-05:00

Having grown up in a non-Christian home, I can honestly say that the focus of Christmas was Santa Claus, presents, candy, and glitz.

The fact that the reason for the holiday was to recognize the birth of a Savior didn't really sink in until [embarrassingly] very recently.

I know better now. I am grateful for the celebration of Christmas for different reasons now. Deeper reasons. And sometimes, to be honest, I get tired of seeing the commercials that focus on receiving gifts and not giving something of yourself that costs more than paper money.

But. There is still that little girl inside of me that wonders over the magic of Christmas. And I am certain that the two ways to celebrate connected somehow, maybe a very long time ago, and were not two different ways to celebrate Christmas.

Santa had a reason for doing what he did...where did he get his goodness of heart? His need to give charitably, generously?

Anyway...for the past two years Santa has been "outlawed" from our Christmas. Choosing instead to recognize Christ's birth in entirety meant that the jolly old elf had no place here. But for me, Christmas somehow didn't seem as magical-face it we all want to capture that little kid in us during Christmas.

It wasn't that we weren't generous or loving with each other. It wasn't that we weren't appreciative of the blessings that God bestowed upon us. I think that in my feeble human mind, I connected Santa to everything good that a human could be if they were truly Christ-like. The best of someone. The most generous and loving part. And for one day out of the year, THAT is what you see of them. And the individual responsible for that gentle way is of course Christ. Because without Him we are lost, and there is no possible way that a Santa could exist.

For myself, it was the one day out of the year that I could look at my step father and feel that maybe, just maybe he liked me a little.

So, this year I approached my husband about reintroducing Santa back into our family. With some guidelines of course, so that things do not get carried away, and so that the primary focus of our celebration is for the birth of Christ.

My husband, who cannot remember having Santa Claus ever recognized during his childhood Christmas said "sure". Of course, I asked him while he was still half asleep.

And now...since he has made this concession, for whatever reason...I feel a little giddy. I guess I love having the opportunity one time a year to be lovingly generous with my family. I love the whole Santa-thing because I love giving presents. Not that I wouldn't be generous with them all year long...but playing Santa means that I get to give to them without getting anything back. Except maybe some cookies. mmm...cookies.

We won't be taking the Snoog to go see Santa, or anything like that. The gifts "he" gives are unprompted by greed or need. The kids don't even know that we are doing this. We aren't going to pump up Santa. He is a figure in a story. An imagined character to represent the good that should be in all of us while we recognize and celebrate the birth of Christ.

I stand corrected

2005-12-13T20:35:00.000-05:00

"Mama, we're not turds...we are brothers and sisters."

-The Snoog

Sheila & Toby

2005-12-13T11:10:00.000-05:00

We finally got my Saturn back from the auto shop. $2600 later that is. (I'll not go into how we managed to get the cash, just that we are VERY thankful, very blessed-no it didn't involve robbery or else this post would be titled "Bonnie and Clyde")

We are putting a positive spin on it though. The car (Sheila) went in with over 80,000 miles on her engine. And now she only has 30,000. So, we essentially got a "new" car out of the deal.

So now my hubby takes Sheila to work, and Toby stays home with me. I wonder if I should take the Mary Kay sticker off of Sheila. Nah.

Here is Toby by the way:

He is in need of a wash. But he is still under 1000 miles. We are hoping to break into his first long road trip after Christmas.

On a side note: I've been housebound for 3 weeks, and I still can't believe that I can actually GO SOMEWHERE without waiting for my husband to come home. Freedom is waiting at the threshold of my door...Target here I come!

Evidence

2005-12-13T08:45:00.000-05:00

Case #1: The Paw the Cat Left Behind
Has the cat been on the counter?

If you look closely you can see the perfect imprint of Tangerine's paw. Proof she has been on the counter tasting the sweeties.

Verdict: GUILTY

****

Case#2: Disappearing Frosting

Why is there never any frosting left for the brownies?

Since fingerprint kits weren't available, we

had to determine the culprit using different methods.

Verdict: Guilty!

****

Case #3 Ghost Camera

Is the camera taking photos on its own while no one is around?

Need we say more?

Verdict: Guilty!!

Countdown

2005-12-11T21:22:00.000-05:00

5. Get up and go to church...

This process was fairly quick and painless. The kids were actually ready before I was, and the Snoog did not have an accident right before we left.

4. Go shopping at Target to purchase gifts for displaced children/ young moms...

Again, the kids were in good spirits as they picked out the gifts. We had some fun with it.

3. Have lunch at Applebees...

This is where we start to have some grumbling. But for the most part we endured lunch together unscathed.

2. Watch The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe...

The Snoog did not settle into the movie until about half way through...which reminded me once again that she should not be let to enter a theatre until she has developed an attention span that is more expanse than a gnat. I spent the entire movie ensuring that she would not bother the other patrons.

1. Send the kids to bed early because they couldn't hold out long enough on not fighting to decorate the tree.

I'm not sure what happened on the relatively quiet trip home. Only that upon setting foot into the door everyone's demeanor rapidly changed. Objects were flying through the air, people were crying, people were whining. I had had enough.

If I stick to my guns on the "no fighting" rule, we won't have decorations up until Christmas Eve...if ever.

Normal Faces

2005-12-10T11:05:00.000-05:00

We entertain a lot at our house. Meaning, we usually have friends over every weekend. Sometimes more than once a weekend, sometimes more than once a week.

I'm not sure how it all started that way, maybe it was "Anime Night" so long ago.

Over the course of the past few years since that first Anime Night, faces have come and gone. But a few remain constant. And those faces have become part of my family.

Our children have aunts and uncles that have a stronger bond than blood. They play, read stories, and color with my children. Their involvement is a priceless gift, both to me and to them, that I will treasure always.

Sometimes I worry that these times will fade, and our friendships will wane over time. Perhaps it is because my past experiences with friends have been disappointing when it came to longevity and consistency; so I try to hold on.

I am thankful every day for these normal faces in my life.

I hope that the passing of time only means that we will share a good laugh over silver hair (or no hair) and past memories of our life events. I hope that as normal faces turn to old faces, the word "old" means much more than our age.

Notes on a Napkin

2005-12-09T18:26:00.000-05:00

For some honest to goodness great writing please go here.

Mulling it Over

2005-12-09T17:28:00.000-05:00

I am looking at 4 shelves of Mary Kay stock and supplies and I am embarrassed. I have not done a class in over 2 months. And I now know why.

It isn't because I have stopped believing that I can have my own business. Or that I think it is a waste of time. Or that I am just disenchanted with the entire thing. Or that I am just being plain lazy. [ok maybe a little bit of that last one]

I've lost my nerve.

A few months back I had a really horrifying experience with a potential customer/friend. Or at least I thought they were my friend. Which makes the whole scenario even worse.

It is amazing, the way that people communicate. The entire process is complex. And if you aren't careful, you may find yourself listening to someone on the other end of the phone literally screaming their lungs out at you over a misunderstood adjective, never stopping to give you an opportunity to explain. Never giving you the benefit of the doubt. Quite literally calling you everything negative thing under the sun. Diminishing you until you are a weeping mess.

I didn't sign on for that. Especially from someone I considered a friend.

So I stopped.

I had been starting to wonder if I will ever start again.

Then I realized it wasn't me. It wasn't my business. It wasn't anything except my lapse in judgement in who I call "friend".

The experience certainly gave me something to think about. So now that I have...I think it is time to move past this and get back on track.

Infected [10 Things]

2005-12-09T13:21:00.000-05:00

Okay, lets try this again...
I've been infected with a virus [tagged by Bella] to reveal 10 things about myself that are otherwise unknown.

1. When my husband and I were just dating I pretended to like Star Wars so that he would like me. It has become increasingly more difficult to maintain the facade.

2. When I was very young [like age 9] I looked at my step dad's nudie magazines.

3. I have had 11 cats in my lifetime [so far].

4. I will not buy a cordless phone.ever.

5. When I was in high school I wanted to be a twirler. I never made the squad, and it has scarred me for life.

6. I have entertained the thought that we should inject microchips into ourselves with tracking devices because it amazes me that in our time that people can be lost and never found again. But goverment tracking only makes it easier for the aliens to find us.

7. I am afraid to write a book.

8. When I was pregnant with my first daughter, I was afraid to raise a girl. Now that I have two of them, I know that I can survive anything.

9. I find it difficult to ask people to take their shoes off when they enter my home because I think it may sound rude. But if I don't say anything, I will be in a foul mood all night thinking about the dog poop that they have undoubtedly smeared all over my home. [regardless if it is true]

10. One of my favorite snacks is a Claussen pickle and a Coke.

And now I am suppose to infect [tag] 10 more people...lets see now...

Fin
eternal mommy
mommymaki
Kelly
Scott
Ellen
Irene
Lizza-Do
Erin
Brando

and

diggincookin

just for the comment. love you! :)

Snoog-day Party

2005-12-09T11:22:00.000-05:00

We decided yesterday that we wanted to celebrate the good news of Snoog's adoption. She doesn't really know what is going on, since Caleb is the only papa that she has ever known. However, for us, her adoption symbolizes the wholeness of our family, and for me, the ending of a very difficult chapter in my life. New beginnings.

I just came home from Kroger, picking up the chicken wings, BBQ sauce, honey, cake ingredients and soda pop. We'll have pizza, monkey-cake, and chicken wings tonight with a few close friends. I also bought some balloons. I came through the doors with these balloons, and Snoog's immediate response "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!" [which is actually pronounced "ber-day"]
Apparently she has been looking forward to her birthday for a while now.

I'm not going to correct her. Since in a way, she is absolutely right.

Hiding

2005-12-08T19:16:00.000-05:00

I never thought that I would admit this, but there are times...such as right now...that I actually hide from my children. If I had a lap top, they might actually never find me.

Just In...

2005-12-08T12:11:00.000-05:00

Dear Mr. & Mrs. XXXX:

We are pleased to advise you that the final adoption order concerning XXXX was signed by this court on this date.

The court has sent a Record of Adoption to the Department of Public Health in the State of Michigan and authorized an issuance of a Certificate of Birth for the adoptee in the new name, if one has been requested. You will be hearing from the agency in the near future.

XXXX has now become your heir, acquiring the full rights of natural children in relations to their parents, including the rights of inheritance. As you know, you also now assume all of the obligations and duties of natural parents.

The family Division of The Judicial Circuit of Michigan joins me in extending congratulations to you and XXXX and best wishes for a happy and successful future.

Very Sincerely,

XXXX

Third Judicial Circuit Court
Family Division, Juvenile Section

****

For the purpose of this blog, and wanting share the good news, I have x'd out the names. We did change her name for future security, and friends and family have already been informed. Thank you all for your prayers!

Relative Assurance

2005-12-07T15:52:00.000-05:00

Recently I can be quoted for having given advice about "letting go" and "allowing the children to have relationships with other people who may not follow the same rules and guidelines as yourself".

This is often easy to say.

This is often hard to follow.

Today I returned home from my extravagant shopping spree (on me) to find that Kimi's face is blue (from markers)...as is the coffee table cover.

My husband had to leave quite quickly when I returned home, so I did not really get a "recap" on the activities while I was away from my post.

So I called.

And I said something to the following affect:

"If you want me to be able to go out and spend some time by myself (so that I do not go crazy), I need to have relative assurance that I won't return home with Kimi being either bald or blue."

Yes, I HAVE come home and Kimi has had much less hair than when I left.

Then I realized what I had done. I had not followed my own advice.

So, I stepped back and assessed.

1. Kimi did not get hurt.
2. The world did not implode in my absence.

In fact the worst thing that happened is she got spend some happy time with her papa playing with markers...which mama doesn't allow. So papa is the cool one.

I later apologized to my husband.

Kimi will not have the same experiences with her papa as she will with me. He will never be able to provide the same type of attention to her as I will, because he is a different person. And as long as no one is getting hurt, I should relax and let her experiences with him be what they are; different than with me, but no less important for them both.

Sibling [Philosophical Debate] Rivalry

2005-12-07T14:53:00.001-05:00

My kids fight. Constantly. I am not accustomed to silbing rivalry...having been an only child until about age 11, and not really having much to do with my younger brothers and sisters. I essentially skipped the entire experience of fighting with a brother or sister.

Usually their fighting drives me batty. But sometimes their fights are interesting, almost insightful, as to the type of people they are, or are developing to be.

A: I have to read every day, I'm on a schedule for my education. [Said much in the tone and cadence of Hermoine]

Z: I read without a schedule.

A: But I'm doing it to learn. It's very important. [Again, very Hermoine-ish]

Z: I'm reading a rule book, and that is educational.

A: But I am doing it for school.

Z: I'm learning to play a game, and the rule book is 200 pages.

A: That's not education. It's not for school.

Z: I'm learning this game [Warhammer], and it isn't easy.

A: You're a turd.

Z: No, you're a turd. [knocking the book out of A's hand]

A: Great! you made me lose my page!!

Z: No, the paper is right there..

A: That is just a game book [pointing to Z's rather large rule book], it's not education.

Z: Yes it is, I'm learning...

A: You're still a turd.

Note to Self

2005-12-07T13:25:00.000-05:00

How to send Kassi into an anxiety attack: Give her $130 in gift cards for Target and stipulate that she may only spend it on herself.

Perhaps next time, I'll save the cards for spending AFTER Christmas.

some of the booty

And yes, I DID buy a blanket to match the pajamas to match the book. So?

Oh The Thinks You Can Think...

2005-12-06T14:50:00.000-05:00

The repairs for my car have sky-rocketed to $2700.

That is because the entire engine needs to be replaced (my fault entirely). So, while birthday bliss is still coursing through my veins, I'm using some of that extra "happy" to get me through the next few days as realization sinks in.

In the meantime...maybe a nice big check made out to me will find itself resting in my mailbox before the week is through. It's possible.

Rhapsody in K Major

2005-12-06T09:55:00.000-05:00

Thinking about yesterday makes me feel abundant.

Abundantly loved.
Abundantly blessed.
Abundantly happy.
Abundantly content.
Abundantly special.

The lists could go on.

I woke up yesterday and put on my favorite sweater. The one that reminds me that when I was a little girl my favorite color was red. And now that I am older, I have grown quite fond of pink.
We dropped off the human snoog at my cousin's house and attended to a necessary appointment. I spied a pink car sitting by itself while Caleb took Kimi inside and realized that this was going to be a great day.

For the first time in months, I started to feel true excitement.

Zac called to inform that he wasn't feeling well, so we picked up some pepto and brought it his school. I would have let him come home, but lately the kids have been "calling in sick" over the slightest ailments...so I decided to make him tough it out.
I felt guilty at first...but when I got home later in the afternoon, he had of course made a miraculous recovery...

Caleb took the day off of work, so after dropping Kimi off at daycare, we proceeded to Zoup for a quick yet warm lunch. It was a bitterly cold day. But all the better for eating hot soup.

After lunch, we decided [together] that we needed to take the opportunity of this time to get some Christmas shopping done. I love going to Toys-R-Us. I still love looking at toys. I love shopping for toys for my kids.

And undoubtedly, I always find something that I like. I rarely leave a toy store without buying something small to satiate that greedy little kid in me.
Yesterday I found Sir Polka-Dot Pants. Who can resist a raven haired Barbarian on Horseback?
Not I.

After our Christmas shopping was done...we went over to the mall. Caleb had been mentioning going to my favorite mall for the past two days, so I knew that he had something planned. He mentioned unhindered shopping, so OF COURSE I was game.

He asked me to close my eyes as he lead me through. It was actually really interesting, and disconcerting at the same time. On one hand, I had the constant feeling that I was going to walk right into something, but on the other hand, the smells of cinnamon, perfumes, and the sounds of happy people shopping and the music made it rather enjoyable. Besides, leaning into Caleb as he guided me was nice as well.

When he finally told me to open my eyes I was standing in front of the Build-a-Bear store! I had never been in to make a bear for myself...so it took some time to choose. But finally, I was united with my very own Bunni-Bear. I love her style...and she roars like a lion. Her motto is "I am bunny, hear me roar". (note the black high tops)

Then in true chocolate-lover fashion we headed straight to Godiva and picked up the most delumpcious thing E.V.E.R. Chocolate covered raspberry cups. Need I say more?

After that, we went to Bath and Body works, where I 1. replenshed my favorite body splash, and 2. put something on my list for future consideration...pink and white marshmallow puffs.

Later (and this is the very good part if you can even imagine it), Caleb and the kids took me to Uno Chicago Grill, where I was surprised and blessed over and over again.

Aside from a kick-butt menu (which allowed the girls to build their own pizzas and then have them baked up and served to them), the spectacular service by the waitstaff AND management, and the singing while the many desserts were presented...I was surrounded by 20 of my very favorite people.

As friends and family walked through the doors and sat down, I almost cried. And as I saw everyone talking, laughing, and enjoying some really fine food...my heart swelled to receive such an awesome blessing of these beautiful people in my life. For me, that will always put this memory at the top, and was the best gift of all.

(But...I'm not giving the other very wonderful and thoughtful gifts back )

Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes, and blessings that you have posted, and emailed. You are very very kind! Thank you especially to Caleb who was more patient, loving, generous, and kind to me than I ever deserved.

Love.

p.s. I forgot to mention that I heard 4 of my favorite songs as well. 3 at the restaurant, and one leaving the restaurant on the way home...and I ended the evening by finding The Breakfast Club playing on one of the 10,000 channels we have on cable. Seriously. Don't pinch me.

Spoiled Cat

2005-12-04T20:25:00.000-05:00

I went ahead and splurged on the pink Swarovski crystal collar for Tangerine. Yes, there IS something seriously wrong with me.

December 4

2005-12-04T11:14:00.000-05:00

I've always enjoyed December 4th; the day before my birthday. I get more of a high on anticipation than I do receiving. I suppose that is why I held out so long on empty promises. I fed on the possibilities like Turkish Delight.

Today is no different. I have long stopped getting overly excited about my birthday. But when I looked at the calendar and realized that today is December 4th, my heart quickened ever so slightly.

I know that my husband has some very nice things planned for tomorrow. He has taken the day off and has mentioned the "s" word. He knows that I like to shop. And I hope I will be able to hold off the anxiety that usually accompanies shopping with other people. I am a lone shopper by trade. Like an adventurer who sets off on a wonderous journey and returns with tales of treasure and bargains.

I also know that there will be a Godiva store somewhere en route with chocolate covered blackberries. Perhaps a stationary store with a cool pen waiting for me to find it and bring it home...possibly a stop at Trader Joe's for the cherry wine I have been eyeing for a while...

But really, I get more excited thinking about it. I guess that is because in my imagination it will be a warm sunny day, butterflies and fairies will dance about, and everyone I love will receive the most wonderful news making everything right in the world. For instance, there was a mistake in accounting and my age is actually only as far back as I remember, thereby knocking off a good 5 years.

Anticipation is a dangerous thing sometimes. It lends to disappointment. And today, I think that I am going to free my mind of it all and focus on just today for what it is...so that tomorrow can just be what it is as well; My birthday.

Toby, Swarovski, White Trash, Oh my!

2005-12-03T23:51:00.000-05:00

I finally had a chance to drive the new van. Yeah! I haven't had a new car in ages. The smell knocks me off my feet. It's so nice! I love driving the van. It's so smooth, and high up off the ground...and I just feel safer and less cramped. I hate being cramped.

This morning, while driving the car, we came to the decision that the van is a boy. It looks too masculine in its greys and silvers, and wood accents inside to be a girl. So Caleb named the van "Toby". I like that name. Besides...Tobey Maguire plays Spiderman, and M.J. felt safe in his arms, so I can transfer the fact that I feel safe in my van...hence "Toby" is good because "Spider man" would be stupid.

I've been searching for a cat collar for Tangerine. I haven't been wanting to get one for her, I justified that she was an indoor cat, so no need. Well, it was brought to my attention that if she were to ever get out, without us knowing, she would be a goner. No collar, no name tag...someone would take her in and keep her. Which is no good for me...she's MY cat. So, I decided that I would go ahead and buy the Swarovski crystal cat collar I spied earlier today. Now to decide on the color...they DID have pink.

And of course, our neighbors at this fine hour, are playing their music altogether too loud for my liking. I hate neighbors. Especially junky ones who are too obnoxious to care about anyone but themselves. If it isn't loud music, it's loud sex. And if it isn't MY loud music, or MY loud sex, I don't want to know about it.

S.O.S.

2005-12-02T12:21:00.000-05:00

I went to my first M.O.P.S. [Mothers of Preschoolers] get together today. It was nice. One of the other moms gave me a ride to and from the church so that I could hang out with other moms and Kimi could hang out with other kids. It was good to get out of the house for a little bit this morning.

Unfortunately, I came home and the house cleaning fairy had not visited. In fact the cat decided it was high time she destroy an entire roll of paper towels; leaving paper towel bits all over the dining and living room. I'm not lying when I say that it looks like a paper towel roll exploded all over my house.

In a moment of insanity, it occurred to me to have Kimi "help" me out and pick up the paper towels. She was agreeable at first. I think it was a ruse for now she is very very quiet. And I am quite afraid to check on what she is actually doing.

For the most part I think that The Snoog and The Cat are conspiring against the rest of The Humans and The Dog. My team is losing.

H.E.L.P.

Tonight

2005-12-01T16:11:00.000-05:00

I finished reading "The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe" today. I really loved the story. I am looking forward to reading the rest of the books.

However, tonight I am going to start reading the story to my children. Tonight we will order pizza (and a salad). Afterwards I will light the fireplace and make some hot cocoa. Then, with our cocoa mugs, we will snuggle down and I will introduce my kids to a magical place called Narnia.

All this being my solution to feeling lonely, left out, and trapped at home without a car.

I may light candles while I am at it.

My Melancholy

2005-12-01T14:36:00.000-05:00

As if you haven't already had enough of me...

Family Dining

2005-12-01T09:40:00.000-05:00

Our family eats dinner together every night at the dinner table, with the TV in the "off" position. We make efforts to actually talk to each other as we are stuffing our faces. And generally the topic is always to recap how our day has been. I rather like this arrangement. It works for us. Well most of us anyway.

There are some people in our family who are always grumpy at dinner time. This is because they are not allowed to eat whatever they want (I'm not a short order cook). They are made to sit down for a period of time without the television (which is seen as punishment of a horrible capacity). And worse, they are not the center of attention (though not without trying). Further, their efforts for being the center of attention usually ends them up to bed without dinner.

Family dining is important. But some people disagree. I'll not mention any names.

December Rules

2005-12-01T09:02:00.000-05:00

1. Time is up. I haven't heard from the adoption clerk, which means that there is no bad news for her to dispense upon us. Therefore...for all intents and purposes, the adoption will go through without any disruptions. (as far as I know)

2. Caleb is picking up the new "Director of Transportation" for our family today. I don't know her name yet, but I do have a photo that resembles what she looks like...

3. The above mentioned points may make my upcoming birthday almost bearable.

The Perks

2005-11-30T17:38:00.000-05:00

I've just sent my son out to pick up the Chinese take-out that I ordered for tonights dinner.

Kids growing up. No complaints.

Waiting.

2005-11-30T10:51:00.000-05:00

Despondent.

I can't pinpoint my feelings. I can't name them, describe them. They have left for vacation. It's not the weather, or circumstance.

Empty.

Even writing about it makes me glaringly aware of how ridiculous it is to not feel anything.

Directionless.

6 years ago I was on an adrenaline high so potent, that I think I have depleted myself.

Uninspired.

I am blessed beyond compare, and I am angry with my own apathy. I know I should be doing, but I don't know what. And round and round the cycle goes...until I can grasp onto something that will pull me out of this emotionless hole.

Jealous.

Until then, I will watch on as the other people in my life busy themselves with activity, and wait until my prayers are answered.

God, please DO something with me.

Lost in Narnia

2005-11-30T09:05:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure what I have got going today. Yesterday proved that whatever one thinks one has in store for them, the exact opposite is likely to occur.

Although I did conquer a large portion of the photo album, and devised a plan to conquer my grandmother's [60 year collection] of loose photos.

But that is where it stops.

I didn't finish the laundry, didn't even attempt to fold the clothes as I had originally planned. I didn't vacuum. I didn't even make the bed.

However, I did receive a phone call informing me that my car needs more work than I had originally anticipated. I was thinking a new starter = $250. The mechanic is thinking a new timing chain and a new valve = $1650. Which is more than we can rightfully ask our church to help us with.

It is around this time that I picked up the Chronicles of Narnia and haven't put it down. I've decided that I'm having a rather large crush on C.S. Lewis. He is a lot more amusing than the mechanic.

Smoke Signals

2005-11-29T13:35:00.000-05:00

I received an email today that made my mouth a little dry.

I do not know my biological father. It has been something that has bothered and blessed me depending on what mood/ experience I am having.

Not knowing him doesn't consume me. It is more of a gnaw. Just at the corners. Curiosity. I am not one to let things hang.

Yet, this I have.

I've made feeble attempts throughout the years to "find" him. Smoke signals really,but I haven't put any real effort into the search. I'm a little afraid of what the answer may be to my ultimate question "why did you leave?".

I think that I like the answers I have come up with better than any lame excuse someone could give me. Although, they all amount to lame excuses if you really think about it.

I know that I have (at the very least) another brother, whom I have never met.

I know that it is something that I should address.

But I haven't.

And today I received an email in response to one of the feeble attempts I made way back in June of 2000. An inquiry on a message board long forgotten.

Will I respond?

Now THAT is the ultimate question.

Sometimes I Wonder

2005-11-28T17:47:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wonder if my baby was switched at the hospital.

See here, she is so cute and peaceful.

This is before they took her and placed her in a different room

in order to give me a brief reprieve.

I swear, when I brought her home I worried that she must be someone elses baby.

If it weren't for the fact that we look so much alike,

I would use this excuse to placate me when she colors herself with a dark blue unwashable marker.

Or when she cuts the cats whiskers...

Or when she eats an entire pack of gum...

Or all of my stash of chocolate...

Or when she colors on the walls...

Or when she smacks her brother...

Or when she sits on the dog and won't get up...

Or sneaks a movie instead of going to bed...

Or becomes a spaghetti noodle when trying to dress her...

Or tells me "NO"...

Or calls me "Kassi" instead of "Mamma"...

Or when she refuses to eat anything but marshmallows.

But in the end. If it came down to it. I would claim her over and over again.

Because when she gives me an unsolicited hug and kiss and whispers "I love you mamma" in my ear. And when she asks me to sing "Kwinkle Kwinkle Little Star", or "Rock-a-Bye Baby", she couldn't possibly be anyone's child but mine.

And yes, I still want to eat her cheeks.

3 Days

Progression

2005-11-28T17:33:00.000-05:00

Well, finally the photo album has reached the point of when I arrived in Michigan 7 years ago. There won't be very many photos to insert for 1998-2001 as I had to do some heavy filtering...and then after that, most of my photos are on my computer files. So, the bulk of the project is coming to a close.

I will have to purchase another album, and have decided to start the new album with when Caleb and I first started dating.

The album that I have been working on is really a photo log of Zac and Abby; their birthdays and Christmas. I didn't take many photos of scenery while in Hawaii, Idaho, and Japan. It's a shame really. Now I know why people take pictures of landscapes.

There is also a distinct lack of photos of other people besides myself and the kids. Mostly because we were away from family for so long. The new album will have more shots of activities, family, and friends.

I guess for the 8 years that I was away from my "home state", the only distinct events in my life were the births of my children. While I did a lot in those other states, the memories are fading.

For my own sake...and for the sake of my children, I am going to be carrying my little camera around more often.

I have a lot in my life that is worth remembering.

Reading on Purpose

2005-11-28T13:05:00.000-05:00

I've read Eragon. It took me 4 days, a total of 12 hours to finish this little gem. It was good. I liked the flow of the story, and how every piece of information was relevant.

I could surmise future outcomes with little snippets of information that the author placed throughout each chapter. It was a fun read.

Unfortunately, I want to read the second book, Eldest. Which is sitting in my closet as an unwrapped Christmas present for my son. He has requested it for Christmas.

And while I know I could easily finish it before the holiday, making him none the wiser...I would feel a certain sense of guilt for cracking open the book before he had the chance. So I'll wait.

In it's stead, I had anticipated purchasing The Chronicles of Narnia and reading the first two books prior to the upcoming movie. Caleb even went out last night to purchase it for me, and when he called me from Barnes and Noble to ask which version I wanted, for some reason I told him to just nevermind.

Not so oddly enough a copy of the Chronicles came walking through the door as an unprompted gift from close friends who came to visit not a half an hour later. It was surreal. But I am learning that God works things out like that. It was really very cool, and much more meaningful.

Giving Thanks More Often

2005-11-27T20:32:00.000-05:00

Keeping on with the spirit of the holiday, I have realized that I need to give thanks more often. I need to recognize the blessings in my life every day. Not just one day a year.

Thankful for friends who come over and help me eat up all the left overs.
Thankful for a church family who is willing to help me out with my car.
Thankful for siblings who make me smile.

Hatin'

2005-11-26T20:44:00.000-05:00

Learning that your generous use of a particular word, though correct in context, has been misspelled several times. Is my face ever red.

Eclectic. One "c" not two.

Thanksgiving Recipes

2005-11-26T20:34:00.000-05:00

When all was said and done, the final menu was as follows:

21 lb turkey
15 lb spiral cut, glazed ham
garden salad
tortellini salad
cranberry sauce jell-o
corn bread
cranberry bread
herb stuffing
Becky's (oh my gosh) mashed potatoes
candied sweet potatoes
baked butternut squash
no mushrooms green bean casserole
praline pumpkin pie
strawberry and white fudge petit fours

Some of the recipes that I used for our Thanksgiving dinner can be found here.

I'm still full.

How I spent my Thanksgiving vacation by Kassi Gilbert

2005-11-26T15:35:00.000-05:00

Thursday:
I don't think that I have ever cook as an elaborate of a meal, and timed it out well enough that everything hit the table in a manner where one thing was warm and the other thing was cold.

Also, I realized that making everything from scratch is not considered simple.

Had I opted for the "from the can to the pan" method, I think that my experience may not have been quite so harrowing...

We have leftovers galore. As I am sure many refridgerators across America has at this time of year.

Nothing was burnt
Everyone was thankful.

Friday:
We got off to a late start...but we made our way up to the Holiday Inn that my mom and her husband were staying. She had invited us, and my brother and sisters out to stay over, as well as a few other people for dinner. This effectively was our Christmas party since my mom and her hubby would not be able to make it ouf for Christmas this year.

It was very nice. We played a "gift game" after dinner, where the generosity of my parents was revealed. I think that my family alone should receive some sort of Target shopper of the year award. I won a very cool candle holder, and Caleb received a chocolate malt set with "Coca Cola" emblazened on the malt cups.

My kids wanted to go swimming...so we donned on our bathing suits and entered the pool area. Much to my disappointment; this is where all of the children from the completely booked hotel were located. The water was murky and therefore I opted to sit in the sauna for a bit.

We met back up with my mom and the rest of my family to play a couple of rounds of "Catch Phrase". I highly recommend this game, it is a lot of fun. Especially since my team won both times. woot woot! girls rule!

Some talk was going around the table that a local high school was having their ten year reunion in one of the ball rooms. The music testified to this. And then there was some talk about crashing said particular reunion.

I'm not going to verbally confirm nor deny having taken part in any of those plans. But I will have to make sure to take care of any evidence that may prove my guilt...

Of course, this small token will be much easier to dispose of than the class video tape that the d.j. was preparing for the actual graduates of Flushing High School.

I'm sure someone will wonder who those 6 fools out on the dance floor wearing jeans and tank tops are, and why they didn't hang out with them in high school because they are having so much fun.

My mom should know by now not to bring her children in public.

Lastly, upon returning home (Saturday morning) I crawled upstairs to my room and curled up into my own bed. I just woke up.

I guess the 8 hours of cooking, the holiday festivities, and the class reunion in the span of 2 days just plain tuckered me out.

Happy Day of Giving Thanks

2005-11-24T01:33:00.000-05:00

I have a lot to be thankful for. More than I could ever list. The most obvious is my family. I've been blessed with really good kids. Even if the little one is a pill. My husband, bless his heart, is probably one of the most tolerant human beings (in regards to me) that I have ever met. I'm not easy to get along with. at.all. He is my best friend.

Which brings me to my friends. I am not sure how I ended up with such wonderful human beings as friends...but I do know that I had to wait a long time. Essentially, my friends amaze me every.day. Their capacity for love, kindness, compassion, and thoughtfulness is awesome. I'm glad that they are in my life and in my children's lives. I can only hope that I can show them my appreciation enough. I doubt I can.

I am also thankful for my pets. They are squishy and cute. They are sweet tempered, and forgiving. My dog is has the sweetest soulful brown eyes, and my cat tolerates my 3 year old...without scratching. Which says A LOT for a cat. She is my favorite present from Caleb. I could go on about both of their personalities...lets just say that they are super squishy.

I am also thankful for my church. I have just started to really realize how wonderful it is to be a part of a community of believers in Christ. Again, the kindness, compassion, and spirit of love that seems to eminate from the church that we attend is comforting, and exhilerating all at the same time.

I am thankful for my faith. It too has been a long time coming. I was not always able to say that I believe in God, that Christ is my salvation. I wasn't always able to accept the truths that the Bible teaches. Those were my lost years. My dark times. And I am thankful that I am not there anymore. I know that the trials are far from over, but knowing that I am not alone. That I am loved. That I have a God-given purpose. And that my life is not a random act brings me more comfort than I have ever known. Therefore I am thankful for the trials as well.

But more importantly, I am thankful for Christ. Knowing that He has died for my sins, allowing me, through faith and grace alone, to be close to God...there is nothing greater than this. Nothing.

Not even a squishy-cute cat.

Be safe in your travels. Remember that you are loved.

"In everything give thanks…." I Thessalonians 5:18

Sorting Hat

2005-11-23T18:54:00.000-05:00

Yes yes I know. I stole this idea from fin. But in the spirit of having watched an almost 3 hour Harry Potter movie last Saturday, I think I earned the right to find out...

Which Hogwarts house will you be sorted into?

Bouquet of Silverware

2005-11-23T13:01:00.000-05:00

I was a bit hesitant to buy my Thanksgiving silverware at the Salvation Army. It was a "what would people think" type of hesitance.

At first, I was going to just pick out completely mismatched pieces. "Ecclectic" I said to myself.

But I am a creature of order, and I know myself well enough that I am unable to do purposeful randomness.

After the first trip out to the thrift store, and sifting through other peoples unwanted silverware, I formulated a more concrete plan for choosing the pieces. Unfortunately, that meant needing to travel to another thrift store to hopefully complete my "set".

The second store was not kind enough to separate the sharp knives from the rest of the silverware, which meant perilous digging on my part. ( would caution anyone trying this out to wear gloves) But I had a certain sense of satisfaction after I found the very last fork I needed.

It wasn't as easy as one would think. I always put more pressure into a thing than necessary. I guess I want everything to have meaning. After finding one, I would say a little prayer to locate the next. It seems silly, but I know it helped.

Each piece of silverware had to have a flower or leaves on it. I have plenty of roses, but I found some pansies, tulips, a few daffodils, as well as a holly sprig. My happiest find was an iced tea spoon with flowers up the length of the handle. I will be keeping my eyes open for a flowered grapefruit spoon.

My set doesn't match, but they have a theme. I wonder if my guests will notice . And to be honest, after my endeavors I don't care. I know that each piece was hand picked.

I pledge allegience to the flag, of the United States of Corporate America

2005-11-23T08:52:00.000-05:00

In my last post I made the flippant remark that Target is the "Devil's Store", referencing the fact that they do not allow the Salvation Army bell ringers at their store fronts any longer.

I have been mulling over this comment, and want to clarify my thoughts on this topic, as it hasn't seemed to lose steam since the decision was announced last year.

I'm not fussed.

I'm not fussed that Target doesn't allow the Salvation Army bell ringers at their store fronts.

I understand that it was a viable business decision, and not a malicious attack against people who carry bells. Considering that Target already heads up their own charitable foundation, there is no need for them to allow other charitable organizations to solicit their shoppers. Target already gives back to the community.

Unfortunately, the majority of Americans think that this is a stinky idea.
And I do think that Target execs did a poor job of explaining their position on why they have disallowed the bell ringers. It didn't actually reach my ears that Target and the Salvation Army have formed a partnership.

(No, the media won't cover that one, because its positive news.)

The fact of the matter is that charitable organizations are just as big a business as any corporate conglomerate in the United States. We just don't like to think about it that way. But realistically, we need to ask ourselves why certain charitable organization executives are raking in a $300,000 (or more) a year salary in the name of giving.

Humanitarian organizations are not exempt from the same "setbacks" that companies such as say...Enron are subject.

Target didn't make this business decision as a thwart against humanitarian efforts, it was a strategic business decision. Anyone who works in cube world for 8-10 hours a day under grueling flourescents can testify that corporate and humanitarian don't usually mix. And what goes on behind those big desks amount to numbers on paper exchaging hands.

But we still need to beat someone up for not giving enough--which is inane because Americans (as a whole) are the most generous people on the planet. Just ask payroll.

Most corporations "offer" (push) thier employees to donate a percentage of their paycheck towards charity. Swoosh, gone. We don't even miss it. Right? That measely 3% adds up. But since we aren't thinking about it, it must not really be happening. I'm sure the accounting department at United Way reports otherwise.

Don't get me wrong, I do think that we should give. I do think that giving generously is important...essential. However, I don't think that Target should be judged on the way that they choose to give.

"But just as you excel in everything--in faith, in speech, in knowledge, in complete earnestness and in your love for us--see that you also excel in this grace of giving."
II Corinthians 8:7

Right now small businesses comprise 97% of all business in the United States. It's amazing to me that the remaining 3% has such a sway on the thoughts and actions of our country, and our world.

It is my thought that until cities are cashing in on big business by changing their name to suit their corporate benefactors, or changing their names in order to market internet websites, we should just stick with singing the national anthem as is.

***

Now back to our regularly scheduled program.

Ecclectic Me

2005-11-22T21:57:00.000-05:00

If Ecclectic is code for cheap (I mean thrifty), then yes.

I realized this past weekend that I do not have enough silverware to serve 12 people. I know...it's crazy.

I priced the silverware at the Devil Store, but decided that I was unwilling to invest another $50 into the Thanksgiving dinner that is already breaking my bank.

So...my options:

1. Borrow silverware from a friend [which has been offered--thank you!]

2. Buy plastic silverware

3. Go to the Salvation Army and purchase mismatched silverware to go with my mismatched goblets.

At 4 pieces for $1, I couldn't go wrong. My "new" silverware is sitting in hot bleach water right now. Yay for the Salvation Army. They have solved my silverware needs.

I went to Target right afterwards...to purchase some hardware to fix up some last minute things, and a brand spanking new box of Apples to Apples.

I wonder if that makes me two-faced.

Unsure

2005-11-22T12:30:00.000-05:00

My second child has always been close to me. She sometimes seems to cling to me, as though the world outside is too scary and unforgiving a place, that she would rather nestle in my presence rather than brave the possibilities.

Then, there are times when she would have nothing to do with me. Preferring to play with her friends. Taking risks, climbing trees and mountains. Leaping without looking.

She has been asking me for several months to homeschool her. Asking.
Her reasons are numerous, but the one that rings out the most is that she doesn't feel comfortable in school.

She has, on a few occasions, forgone going on a field trip in order to stay home. She has on several more occasions pretended to be sick, in order to come home.

I received the familiar call this morning that she is not feeling well, not "herself". So, regardless of the cold, and the fact that I have no car, Kimi and I walked to the school to get Abby. I knew immediately when I saw her that she was not sick.

I'm not mad at her for the lie. I'm concerned for her emotionally. I am concerned for her education.

On one hand I think that she should be socialized and be a part of a classroom. On the other hand, if this continues, her emotions will interfere with her ability to learn.

Homeschooling.

I am not opposed to it. I just don't know enough about it to make a decision. I have started doing my research to figure out if it is a viable option.

In the meantime, I am grasping to find what to do to help this little girl be "comfortable" in this sometimes unforgiving world.

Quick Way to Lose a Finger

2005-11-22T09:43:00.000-05:00

I remember being seven years old. My parents had friends over, and most likely they were drinking beer and eating pizza. Probably watching a non-age appropriate movie. They may have even been looking at nudie magazines. But in the 1970's, it was par for the course in my family.

My stepdad was not the authority on strong moral character, and mom, was just easily influenced, finding love in all the wrong places I guess.

At any rate, having guests over was both a good and bad thing. Good because it meant that my parents were happy and not directing their attention to me. I've always preferred to stay below the sight line because it meant survival.

Bad because being the only child in the house made it impossible to stay completely below the sight line of numerous inebriated adults.

And now I will unfold for you one of my most vivid and horrible memories...which will explain the title of this post.

It was funny at first. I know that he was just playing around in the beginning. He was a nice guy...he had to be, he was my parents friend. That and he had given me a bunch of Barbie stuff, including the Barbie Ski Lodge, so he couldn't be all that bad.

But here I was...laughing my head off, and unable to do anything else. He had me pinned down, literally sitting on top of me with his fingers digging into my arm pits like a crazed monkey digging into an anthill. The smell of warm Miller on his breath, in my face.

It was maddening. Maddening because my reaction, my only reaction was to laugh, which belied my real feelings, egging him to dig further. It is horrible how your body will play traitor to what your mind really wants to convey.

Eventually, my laughing turned to laughing tears. But again, misrepresented. The "play" continued. The more I struggled the more he dug in. I was in the corner of a room full of adults, and a mad man was tickling the crap out of me. Helplessly laughing.

I think that my mom came to rescue me...perhaps she finally perceived that my laughing was really crying, or maybe she saw that I had lost all strength, and couldn't fight back any longer. Or maybe the other adults in the room were just tired of my shrieking as they watched/ ignored the display. She told him to stop.

I got that a lot as a kid...no one could tell if I was laughing or crying. They sounded the same. It is an unfortunate thing for a child who is crying to be thought laughing.

He got off of me. I distinctly remember that he was wearing courderoys. I hate the sound that courderoys make when the the legs rub together.

A full grown man, sweaty from his efforts to tickle torture a seven-year old girl. He was laughing as he walked away, probably to grab another beer. I don't remember. zip zip zip.

For what it was worth, he won. I wonder if he felt victorious...as I curled up in the corner, my weakend hands protectively cupping my violated, bruised arm pits, tears stains coursing down my reddened face, and a large wet spot on my pants adding to the shame of my apparent defeat.

I purposely smashed the Barbie Ski Lodge the next day, which resulted in me being berated for my carelessness. "Irresponsible and unable to take care of your property...don't care about anyone but yourself..."

Go ahead TRY to tickle me or my kids.

Who's the Turkey Now?

2005-11-21T23:45:00.000-05:00

Just because I added a few items to my once "simple" Thanksgiving meal does not make me neurotic....

You may remember this cute little list:

turkey & stuffing
herb mashed potatoes
corn bread
candied sweet potatoes
garden salad
green bean casserole
cranberry sauce jell-o
crackers and cheese
pickle tray
pumpkin pie
apple pie

I guess my elation over the fact that I actually finished the decorating must have been sending warning impulses to my brain that I needed to add more things to my list of "to-do's" for the holiday.

Therefore I have added the following items:

cranberry bread
glazed spiral ham
tortellini salad
Becky's mashed potatoes {replacing the herb mashed potatoes}
baked butternut squash
angel food cake w/ raspberry sauce {for my mom's birthday}
strawberry petit fours

"...Gobble Gobble"

Lily Livered

2005-11-21T13:35:00.000-05:00

My mom and her husband are visiting for the holiday.

They are staying at a hotel. Though, we did open our home to them.

On Wednesday we will be partaking of turkey and stuffing goodness...replete with many desserts afterwards. I'm sure I'll have to unbutton my pants "to make room".

On Friday we have been invited to stay at the hotel. My mom has offered to reserve us a suite for the night so that we can visit with them and not have to worry about driving back home late and vice versa. We intend to stay up late, play board games, and perhaps go to the pool.

We have accepted this offer for a "mini-vacation" away from home the day after Thanksgiving. It will be nice to ignore the house cleaning until Saturday.

Then it hit me.

The pool.

The day after Thanksgiving.

Visions of me having to unbutton my top pants button due to gorging myself on Thanksgiving food on Thursday and then squeezing my lily white skin into a bathing suite on Friday are causing a short in my circuitry.

I'm not sure if God meant for people to schedule these activities in this particular sequence.

Yesterday at Target I bought some hand weights...and today I dusted off my VHS version of the "Tae Bo 8 Minute Work-Out". Pray the VCR still works.

****
Making it worse: my mom is coming in from Nevada where she has been soaking up the sun on her hiking expeditions. My sister is a size 4 super model, as well as my brother's girlfriends.

I'll be playing the part of "Frumplestiltskins" this holiday.

Elixer of Events

2005-11-21T09:13:00.000-05:00

1. Caleb and I finished the "New Connections" class at church on Saturday morning...and so we were announced as new members at our church bright and early on Sunday morning!

2. Zac, Abby, and I were given tickets to see "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" at the IMAX theatre Saturday afternoon!

3. I painted the walls!

Can you tell I did this after viewing the Harry Potter movie? It's a good thing I didn't have black, purple, and green wall paint.

4. I got to go shopping at Target!

As you can see here, Tangerine likes it when I go shopping at Target as well.

5. My car won't start!

With the holiday looming ahead, and this household down one car... this week will definitely interesting. I'm not freaking out yet. Give me a day. I'm not allowing myself to think about WHEN I will be able to do my grocery shopping and errands.

6. My husband is currently dismantling the closet of doom in order to find a glove!

Jammies

2005-11-19T00:54:00.000-05:00

I remember wearing footed pajamas when I was a little girl. I remember wearing them until they were so tight that they rode up my behind, and the zipper pinched my skin no matter how much I sucked in my belly. I had to upgrade to night gowns because my mom didn't buy me new footed jammies. I had become "too big".

One of my favorite memories is waking up on Christmas morning, wearing my red footed jammies, running into the living room, and coming to a skidded halt just before hitting the pile of presents under the tree. Footed jammies were the best because my toes never got cold.

The other morning I came downstairs to help my daughter (whom I often refer to as my babydoll) get ready for school, and upon seeing me she started to giggle.

"Mom...you are wearing little kid pajamas...I used to have some of those."

"Yeah I know..." I responded groggily, wondering to myself whether or not she would like a pair as well and if so what color.

Mine are pink. Extra baggy.

Friday Report

2005-11-18T15:17:00.000-05:00

Slowly but surely my work list is shrinking.

I haven't accomplished as much as I wanted, but accomplished enough to feel productive. The photo album has monopolized most of my time. But that is because it is something that interests me.

In other news, the parent-teacher conferences went well.

I didn't get to meet all of Zacs Teachers, but it was still good to go, and put faces to names. They say the same thing that every teacher has said every year. And nothing that I don't already know; Zac is a respectful, quiet, appropriate, and sensitive boy. A nice young man to work with.

Every year a teacher will tell me that whatever I am doing, to keep it up. But I have to admit...it isn't me. God blessed me with a very nice kid. And I am very very thankful.

Now back to cleaning...but I stop at 7:00 tonight. Tonight I have a spaghetti and movie date with my family, no excuses.

****
Hawaii, Idaho, and Japan are all in the album! I've decided to create a scrapbook page for each Christmas and Halloween, and keep it in chronological order.

Michigan will be tough...I have more photos for the past 6 years than I thought. I am also downloading all of my digital photos to the Walgreens site to order those prints. The "test set" turned out really nice, so onward!

I have been using pages that fit 4 x 6 photos for all of my snapshots. Therefore, all of my 3.5 x 5's will need to have a black insert to frame them into the slots. Maybe I'll add captions, but I doubt it.

It has been interesting so far to see the progression of our lives through this organized album.

If I ever am able to raise the money, I may invest in a better camera.

Abby's room is finally clean. It took one hour. Not too bad. Now for the rest of the cleaning and hanging up some framed photos of the children.

I need more walls.

Lying Blue Sky

2005-11-18T00:34:00.000-05:00

June 2002

Clear images of that day. Feeling more alone than I can explain.

The bright blue sky is just like your smile; a lie.

You are a phone call away. Less than a mile to drive.

And that burns more than the sun.

I am farther than I realize, unmistakably alone. Beginning a journey with just one step.

I won't call.

I won't cry.

Okay, maybe I'll cry. But I won't call.

I called.

But I didn't throw up.

Strength in small doses.

****
I had taken the kids to my grandma's pool. I had been there so many times as a child, I thought that it would bring some happiness to the day. The world had just turned upside down. My kids were scared. They needed to have fun.

Their smiling faces peer back at me from the photos that I took from that day. I wonder to myself if they knew how knotted I was inside. Did I pull it off? Did I hide my tears well enough? Was my voice too strained? Did I seem distracted? Did they notice my hands shaking?

A photo won't tell me the answers to these questions. Thier smiles look sincere, I hope that they remember the fun, and not that their mother was working out what to do next, desperate to not break down. Desperate to not throw up.

Sometimes the story of a photo is found on the other side of the viewfinder.

Daunting

2005-11-17T14:24:00.000-05:00

Taking on the task of organizing my photographs has been a much larger project than I originally anticipated. It hasn't been the organizing per se, it has been the "how to organize".

I've got 12 years of history to sift through and try to make some sense out of it all. Which is not unlike actually living those 12 years and trying to make some sense out of it all.

I was finally able to pin point my approach (with some help from Caleb)...which will save me time, money, and perhaps some sanity.

I'm not putting together individual photo books for each of the kids. *gasp* I know. Pretty radical. But their lives are intermingled with ours, and together tells a story of our family. So, no separation. I've always found those type of photo books a little ridiculous anyway.

The harder determination, knowing that it is of course going to be set up chronologically, is where to begin.

I've been married before, and then had a terrible, but distinct relationship between marriages. And neither of them can really be "cut out" because that would mean locking away a good portion of the kids' history as well as mine.

So...my first step has been to separate photos by location.

Hawaii, Idaho, Japan, Michigan.

Michigan gets two piles, one for before Caleb and I were together and then one pile for the time after we started dating.

Any photos that are pre-children are going to go into a photo box for the time being.

Well, the sorting part has been EASY since having figured out this particular system. But I went ahead and made my job a little more interesting...because I like to do that to myself...as if I don't already have enough to do.

I've decided to insert scrapbook pages for certain special events. (I purchased a three ring album for our photos, so that I can insert as many pages as I want)

Therefore the following events will have their own section, and or scrapbook page:

1. Christmas
2. Halloween
3. Birthdays
4. Vacations

I am toying with putting all the Christmas photos together in a complete section...and doing the same with Halloween. Or just doing a scrapbook page for each Christmas and keeping them in the book in chronological order. Not sure yet. I think it would be cool to have sections to see each Christmas side by side.

I'm actually excited about the whole inserting a scrap book page idea.

Next, not all photos are making the book. I've decided to be picky and not just throw everything in. There is really no reason to have multiple shots of the same person just different angles in the album. It lends to redundancy, and is boring. So, repeat photos, and just plain bad shots are getting stored in photo boxes (or tossed out).

How much have I actually completed? Well...I've completed the sorting by location, and Hawaii is in the book, except for the scrap book pages that I will need to put together.

I've just started sorting Idaho by Zac's age, ending with Abby's birth.

I wish now that I would have written notes on the backs of these photos. It would have been immensely helpful in this whole process. But I wasn't that thoughtful back then.

As for the other subjects of past relationships. I've come to the realization that I have a daunting history in which my husband must accustom himself. Most people tend to think that my husband is rather oblivious of these types of things (and many other things as well), but the truth of the matter is that he is quite aware of more than people give him credit for. He just chooses to keep his mouth shut. I'm not quite so disciplined...most people aren't. So I have to keep his feelings in mind when assembling the family album.

I'm not including photos in this family album of those past relationships. I'm reserving photos of Zac and Abby's dad for albums of thier own some day. As for Kimi, her paternal father's photos were tossed out a while ago. There is a definite need for filtering out his image.

Our family albums will start with my pregnancy with Zac. There are only one or two photos of my balloon stage. But it is nice to have a beginning, one that works for our blended family.

And now I have to go, because Kimi is taunting the cat.

Today Is...

2005-11-16T11:15:00.000-05:00

Dishes
Laundry [clean, fold, put away]
Vacuuming
Girls bedroom
Finish church banner
Set up children's welcome center at church
Bible study
Photo sorting [while watching "Lost"]

And before November 23:

Painting walls [which will be accompanied by much yelling]
Assembling photo album
Clean storage room
Shop for photo frames
Hang framed pictures
Cleaning kitchen
Cleaning bathrooms
Vacuuming entire house
More laundry
Groom dog
Grocery shopping
Parent/Teacher conferences
Clean rugs
Dusting and cobweb patrol
Windows
Wrapping presents

November 23:

Cooking
Cleaning kitchen [again]
More vacuuming
More laundry
More dusting
Sending everyone to a hotel so that they don't get anything dirty

November 24:

More cooking and baking
More cleaning
More screaming into a pillow

November 25:

Mix myself a cocktail and take a mental health day

****

Usually when I make my task lists I feel more calm. I'm not feeling that right now. Perhaps we'll have Thanksgiving at Denny's this year after all.

Hosting the Holiday

2005-11-15T21:36:00.000-05:00

I am hosting Thanksgiving this year and I'm a little nervous.

I've hosted Thanksgiving before, just not with my family. On the guest list is my mother, her husband, my grandma, my brother, and my sister. As well as my husband and children. It will be a full house. Thankfully we have a large enough table to seat everyone.

On the menu is the following:

turkey & stuffing
herb mashed potatoes
corn bread
sweet potatoes
garden salad
green bean casserole
garden salad
yummy cranberry sauce
crackers and cheese
pickle tray
pumpkin pie
apple pie

I keep thinking that I am missing something. Perhaps I should add the tortellini salad. (To which Caleb responds with a firm YES)

Well, I don't want to get away from myself, so in keeping with making things simple, I will cap it at the above mentioned items for my menu.

However, I am curious, dear friends...what Thanksgiving dishes are you going to be passing around the table on November 24?

***
A comment from Caleb: He is miffed that we [collectively as a nation] go from Halloween celebration straight to Christmas without really giving Thanksgiving its proper due. His feeling is that Thanksgiving is a much overlooked and underappreciated holiday, and should be emphasized more. I have to agree. I feel that we should spend more time giving thanks.

Envy

2005-11-15T17:43:00.000-05:00

I woke up, took a shower, put on deoderant, got dressed. I copped out with tying a bandana around my head instead of doing my hair...but I am presentable.

However, my (youngest) daughter has run around in panties, a robe and a pink crocheted hat all day. She also ate 6 oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.

It is no wonder she's been all laughs and giggles today.

If only I had a pink crocheted hat.

****
On a side note:

today has been rainy, gray, and beautifully gloomy. Right now, I am watching the moonlight dance with raindrops in the puddles outside my window. A perfect night for Poe.

Embracing My Inner Geek

2005-11-15T08:19:00.000-05:00

"Geek". I love this word. I haven't always though. Perhaps as my generation got older and is finally coming in to it's own, we made up our own terms on what "geek" means.

Certainly in our parents generation, it was not considered "cool" or "acceptable" to be called a "geek". I think that if pinned a geek in the 1950's you were considered a social outcast, misfit, wore black plastic frame glasses, and often had your chocolate malt poured on your head by a guy named Biff.

Speaking of which, I wonder if those angsty scenes in Back to the Future had anything to do with our current perceptions of geekhood. Maybe the baby boomer generation DID teach us some good life lessons after all. Or maybe we ignored their point, and took it in our own direction. We are rebellious that way. Heck, we geeks have our own store now.

At any rate, I have been labeled a "geek" on many occasions, and I cannot dispute the label:

I like computers
I play video games
I role play
I like anime
I read. A lot.
I like comic book characters
I watch Invader Zim
I have my own dice
I own 2 pairs of Chucks
I like CSI [Gil Grissom rocks]
I like Sci-Fi
I feel comfortable having a conversation about the Illuminati
I've used the word "trajectory" in a sentence during casual converstation
I have my very own red stapler
AND I wear black rimmed glasses. [of course the current geek look is more Napoleon, and less McFly].

I'm okay with this.

It helps immensely that ALL of my friends are geeks [or geek lovers] on some plane of existence or another as well. Be their geekdom derived from books, clothes, movies, computers, or games. And I'm glad to have found this group of people who delights in one form of geekdom or another.

I admit...I partake of more than my share of geeky activities...but I am comfortable in my shoes, and wouldn't have it any other way.

****

Inspired by Ellen

Non Stop

2005-11-14T19:23:00.000-05:00

Today has been non stop.

I've been to a counseling session, spent 3.5 hours at the church creating a welcome banner by hand. And "by hand" I mean drawing and cutting out each letter freehand. Shopping for baby Jesus' birthday party, welcome center decorations, picking out paint for our wall, and buying my mother's birthday present.

My only chance to sit down was right.now. to draft this mediochre post. And even so, my husband is behind me playing his bagpipes, and pleading with his eyes for me to make him dinner. There are dishes in the sink, and the floor needs to be vacuumed.

7:30 PM and my day is not even close to being over.

*****
Update:

Screw it, I am going to bed with both the vacuuming undone, AND a sink full of dirty dishes. I had to make an executive decision...watch Medium or clean. Patricia Arquette won. I will probably have nightmares all night because I am worried they will find me dead in my bed, and the last thing remembered of me will be: she didn't even do the dishes...